10 Things I Hate About 41

It’s no secret that I’m over 40. Although since I live in Los Angeles, and I’m married to The Man who’s married to The Industry, maybe I should have stopped aging at 30. Yeah, a nice even number. That’s a believable lie, right?  {crickets chirping} FINE. I can’t lie about it now. But I CAN tell you all the reasons why it sucks giant, hairy and sweaty donkey balls, now can’t I?!

The photo below shows me being a hot mess….literally. Holding a beer, my phone, and my wallet all in one hand, while using the other to shoo a bug out from under my niece’s wedding dress. Yes, that really happened. Anyway, this photo is relevant because it was during this particular plantation wedding weekend that I began to really start hating the downside of 40, and the approach of…FORTY-ONE. The look on my face says it all, doesn’t it?  Not sure if I laughed or cried next. Could have been either. Seriously.

She really had a bug under her dress!

She really had a bug under her dress!

Over the past 6 months, things have begun to CHAAAANGE. Normally  I’m delighted to welcome change with open arms. However, there are a few key players in my physiological make-up that were just fine the way they were….when I was 35, 30, 20 🙂 Which brings me to:  

10 Things I Hate About 41

 

1. I’m not 40 anymore.  Yes, I actually enjoyed being 40. Something about that milestone birthday is attractive. Just like turning 18, then 21, followed by 30, 35 and FORTY. It’s the last best milestone, I think. Now, I’m just 41.

2. Phantom aches & pains—in my back, in my hip, in my big toe or my eyeballs—I could go on forever. Hello? My bones are old. I know. I know. But I really do not enjoy being reminded.

3. My hair is falling out For God’s sake, my hair was my best asset FOR YEARS, and now it’s thinning. I actually broke down and bought some of that ‘AGE DEFY’ shampoo and conditioner that I never even knew existed, until now. wtf…WTF?? I’ve always had great hair, like the Pantene girls. Now I am fully expecting to wake up one morning, rise from my bed, only to discover that all my hair is still lying on the pillow. Or worse, have it slip through my hands and down the drain while I’m washing it. I’m having HORROR HAIR FLASHES to accompany the other flashes (See #4)

4. One minute I’m freezing, the next I am burning up– Hot flashes my ass. These are like nuclear meltdowns, causing a chain reaction of unpleasant shit. Then, in seconds, I’m so cold my teeth are chattering, and I’m walking around wearing my bathrobe on top of my clothes. Even Mother Nature can’t keep up with the internal seasons I’ve got going on. Of course it doesn’t help when The Man says “You’re going through The Change“. Thanks, asshat. I’ll show you change. 

5. I’m thirsty all the time— I’ve never been one to consume a lot of liquids. Not a conscious choice, I just don’t get thirsty. Well shit fire, I am now apparently making up for all the years I forgot to drink. Just great.

6. Incontinence– To be fair, I’ve always had a somewhat weak bladder. I used to pee when I laughed in high school. Of course, childbirth times 3 made it much worse, and now….well…because of #5 above, I HAVE TO PEE CONSTANTLY. Go figure. Perhaps I can be a spokesmodel for Depends, just like Lisa Rinna. Whaddaya think?

7. Young people refer to me as “Mrs” or “ma’am”– Being from the South, I appreciate the reverence. But at the same time, it makes me want to punch the teenaged cashier at Von’s right in the face when she says “Here you go ma’am” as she hands my ID back after she cards me. Brighten my day by asking for my ID, and then burst the balloon by calling me ‘ma’am’. FINE. Be that way. You’ll be old one day.

8. My eyesight is getting worse–as if THAT were possible, right? I mean, I already have something stupid called Adie’s pupil–my right one is permanently blown–so it makes me look like Marilyn Manson, in bright light. Right one blown, left one pinpoint. Most of the time, if people actually look into my eyes and notice, they want to know what kind of cool psychedelic drugs I’ve dropped. It’s very entertaining. That problem aside, I can’t see shit now.

9. What short-term memory?–Sometimes, I feel like Dorie in Finding Nemo. I’ll walk through my house from one room to another, on a mission, and by the time I get there, I stand in the middle of the room wondering what the hell I’m doing there. On occasion, I’ve retraced my steps in an effort to jog my memory. Almost never works. So I guess it’s really true….I gave a 1/4 of my brain cells to each of my children. Thank God we stopped at 3. Otherwise, I’d be a vegetable. Oh, joy!

10. Sahara– This is what I have nicknamed my nether region, because of the dryness. Seriously, I am expecting The Man to saddle up on a camel the next time he wants to take a ride. All the while, I’m thinking “Hey…Eve…I hope that fruit was damn tasty!”

I just have one last thing to say. When I finally kick it, please bury me upside down, so Aunt Flow and her groupies, Bald and Blind, can kiss my tired, old, forgetful ass, will ya?

 

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Comments

  1. Haha!! Trust me, the men can relate to this too (if that makes you feel any better) sometimes I feel less like me and more like Wilfred Brimley!!! I’m fighting it tooth and nail, every step of the way… I don’t want to be the next spokesperson for Boniva or reverse mortgages 🙂

  2. I just turned 36, and when I look in the mirror I think, “WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!” And from this post, I understand this is just going to get worse?! AAHHHHHH!

    Do me a favor? When I turn 40, please send me a large thing of lube. 🙂

    xo

  3. OMG, I am totally laughing at this one. I’m two months shy of forty-one and some of this hadn’t even occurred to me yet. I am always hot, though, so this means summer is going to be an especially twisted hell for me. (sigh) Well, turning 41 beats the alternative, eh? 🙂

  4. Wendy Bentien says:

    Being 41 sucks ass. I pine for my 25 year old liver, my prechild stomach, and my desire to stay awake last 10:30. It’s all downhill from here I fear.

  5. hahaha – I blame Eve all the time. Just be glad you are not 49. I would love to be 41 again. 😉

    • calibamamom says:

      Yeah, Eve really caused a crap storm didn’t she? Lol. And 41 wouldn’t be so bad, if I had the mentality of a 41 year old. Thing is, I mostly think I’m still 25 most days—hee hee!!

  6. Frammitz says:

    Hello 41. 43 here. I had my first kid at 41 and my second at 43. In a month, I’ll be 44. I do not recognize my body in the mirror. Talk about turning a corner! So think of it this way: It could be worse; you could be pregnant.

  7. funnyisfamily says:

    I’m not in my 40s yet, but I can safely say that one year of blogging has been harder on my body than aging. You look amazing, BTW. Don’t let California tell you any different.

  8. Love this and thanks for the reminder to enjoy being the nice even 4-oh fro as long as I can.

  9. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG I love. it. And even at 33 I’m with you and the short term memory loss, the eyesight and the hair… So freakin’ depressing. Let’s drink more wine together to dull the pain 🙂

    • calibamamom says:

      Oh how I miss MY HAIR!! I look back at photos, and seriously shudder at the knowledge that my long, luscious mane went right down the damn drain! UGH…and don’t get me started on how my latest “symptom” of my descent over the hill (which landed my old ass in the hospital) is still something I’m apparently “too young to have”. Whatever. Cheers!!!

  10. Turning 41 tomorrow and I have to agree wholehearted with your post! Thanks for making me giggle about my birthday!

  11. 29 here and you lot have really made me look forward to 30! …not!

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