Fifteen.

According to the traditional list of customary anniversary presents, The Man and I should have exchanged gifts of CRYSTAL yesterday. Alternately, the contemporary list suggests WATCHES.  Ironically, both can be purchased at Tiffany. However, I am still awaiting the arrival of my Little Blue Box, convinced the delivery person got lost. After all, Los Angeles is an awfully big city and according to the map below…. I live up in the area of the REDNECKS and JCREW LOOKING MOFOS…which I suppose could be a little confusing. Maybe even scary.

IMG_3075

Anyway, we had a lovely dinner last night with The Beans at a favorite local spot of ours. The fact that I neither tried to find a babysitter nor entertained the thought for a moment that we would celebrate without them in tow goes to show you that after 15 years, it really IS all about the children.  Not to sound cliché, but we do only have them all under one roof for a little bit longer. Sugar Bean is going away to college in 4.5  years so we have to pack in as much family time as possible now. Perhaps we’ll take an anniversary trip on our 20th. Who knows? Regardless, I was reminiscing about our wedding yesterday and it occurred to me that I’ve never shared a single detail about it with anyone outside of family and close friends, despite it being an incredibly joyous, unique and memorable affair. WTF is wrong with me? Btw, that’s a rhetorical question. So… without further adieu, I give you…

The Top 10 Reasons Why My Wedding Night

Was Uniquely Kickass

1. It was planned and executed it in exactly 3 weeks, complete with paper invitations (pre-Evite, people), a caterer, flowers and a wedding cake. Notice I didn’t say I PLANNED IT. Every drop of credit goes to my MIL, as I was stricken with horrific morning sickness…ALL. DAY. LONG. Wait…I did pick out the bridesmaids’ dresses. Off the rack, during a 20 minute trip to  Robinson’s-May, which was about all I could manage in between jaunts to puke in the nearest bathroom.

2. Using a recipe handed down for years, and in keeping with a long-standing tradition in my Southern rooted family, we served a drink called “24-Hour Punch”. It’s been a staple at every special occasion for as long as I can remember. The main ingredient is Jack Daniels. The caterer asked for the recipe. Need I say more?

3. Although I could not drink a drop myself, I jumped behind the bar and started tending it like a pro at the reception. People were thirsty, and the bartender went missing…I suspect, after too much punch.

4. We are not Jewish, but many of our guests were, including the Best Man. So it made perfect sense to do the Horah, right?

chris:horah

me:horah

 5. My maid of honor was a VIP bartender at one of the hottest nightclubs in Hollywood, and got called in to work during the reception. Despite telling her boss she’d been drinking all day night at HER BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING, had flowers matted in her hair and would be arriving in her dress, if she could find a ride to avoid a DUI…he made her show up. True story.

6. The day of the wedding, we realized our plan for playing music at the reception wasn’t going to work, so our dear friend John wrangled some equipment and became our DJ, so I would stop freaking out. You can read about him here. He’s truly a gem, and if he ever gets married, I will walk on water if he needs me to!

7. Right before the procession was about to begin, I suddenly had to pee. There was a bathroom at the top of the steps, but my dress wouldn’t fit. Obviously, I didn’t have time to undress/redress. So, two of my bridesmaids held my skirt up inside the bathroom, making sure I didn’t pee on myself, while the other two stood guard outside and held the rest of my dress, because we had to leave the door open. Now THAT’S a good group of bridesmaids, y’all.

8. There was a break-dancing extravaganza. Yep. That’s my husband folks, throwing it back to the 80’s by doing a coffee-grinder…I think.

chris:wedding:breakdance

9. Oh, but wait…the girls were not about to be upstaged! If memory serves me correctly, the photo below depicts the ‘big finish’ to a dance routine of some sort.  Doing the splits in my wedding gown. Yeah, that really happened.

me:wedding:splits

10. With the reception winding down, The Man and I hopped into a limo bound for the honeymoon suite at a hotel in the city. Once we inspected our accommodations, we decided to continue celebrating, and took off on foot down Sunset Boulevard, still in our wedding clothes… headed for the Skybar. Cars were bumper to bumper, horns were honking, and folks were shouting ‘Congrats’ the whole way. Crazy fun. Typically, it’s a tough place to get into if you aren’t ‘on the list’, but I  bartended there for a couple years and showing up in a wedding gown with my groom in tow did the trick!  Afterwards, exhausted and giddy, we returned to our hotel and passed out. That whole doing the deed on your wedding night thing? Ain’t nobody got energy for that!

And so, following a magical evening that started like this:

wedding dance

 We woke up the next morning as newlyweds and realized our cars were in the Valley, and we didn’t have a ride home.

THE END

 

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What’s In My Purse?

So…in lieu of my somewhat usual, “It’s Friday…For Real” video blog, I decided to post something equally intriguing.

I hope.

The thing is, I’m battling bronchitis, which kind of makes me sound like Froggy when I talk, so I really didn’t want to be on film. And that’s just my voice. Haven’t been sleeping well…so…you know, I’ve got the next trendy line of dark-colored, luggage hanging under my eyes.  Call me vain. Whatever. Back to my purse. Which, speaks VOLUMES about a lady, right?

Here’s the photo. I’m gonna list the items, but it’s up to you to play “I SPY” and spot them, because I don’t have the slightest clue how to add arrows and labels and all the other stuff on top of the picture to make it look really cool.

pursecontents

In no particular order….

1. Star Student Report for one of The Beans. This is to let me know she can read, write and compute numbers as well as, if not better than the other students who took the test. I don’t put much stock in these reports. My kids are bright, and happy.

2. The Warehouse envelope my DMB tickets arrived in 2 weeks ago. Haven’t posted about the concert yet. I’ll get to it. Promise.

3. An appointment card for The Beans for their next dentist visit….in 6 months. They just went yesterday, so the card has not yet been lost.

4. A really long ass receipt from CVS. 3 items bought. Lots of coupons…I WILL NEVER USE, because I will forget I have them.

5. Multiple pens & a Sharpie. If this needs an explanation, you either don’t have kids or don’t live in LA. God Bless You 🙂

6.  A Gerber camping knife. Goes everywhere with me, and I can open it with one hand. Comes in handy more often than you think, and solicits very quizzical looks from the other moms when I whip it out after someone asks for scissors at a PTA meeting.

7. My cobalt blue Stella & Dot Tech Wallet. I LOVE THIS. You should get one….here.

8. A black headband…because you just never know when you’ll need to pull your hair off your forehead, revealing some wrinkles. Seriously.

9. A Stella & Dot look book. What? I’m a stylist, and I like to book and sell on the go 🙂

10. My keys. Pretty self-explanatory, right?

11. A zippered, fabric pouch/coin purse. I may or may not have stolen this from one of The Beans. It holds metal money nicely, and LA is full of parking meters.

12. Various coupons for sandwiches at different places. Maybe I will remember I have them one day when I’m hungry. Who knows?

13. Union Square Scarf in Midnight Bloom from Stella & Dot. I adore scarves. They are the PERFECT accessory. If I don’t have one on, there is usually one in my bag. Honestly, I feel naked without them.

14. Residual checks from SAG-AFTRA. One belongs to Butter Bean, who said the F-word in a movie 3 years ago, and the other belongs to me for voice-over work on a TV show. Mine is for $0.03, after taxes. Hers is exponentially larger.

15. A red, “wallet” thingy that holds important papers. It should be in a safe deposit box somewhere, probably. Although I think the only thing in it now is my marriage certificate? Don’t ask.

16. A slip from the USPS to pick up a letter. Funny thing is, they are supposed to knock on your door to try to deliver it first. Didn’t happen. I was home all day. Postman was apparently too busy to climb the driveway to the door. Hmmm….

17. My Passport. Because you just never know when you may need to hop a flight and skip town, right?

18. A 4-leafed clover I found in Toronto the last time I visited. I have a gift for finding them, but this is the only one I’ve ever found in another country 🙂

19. Mini-look books from Stella & Dot. See #8 above.

20. My actual “How Does She Do It”  bag from Stella & Dot. Have you still not checked out the line? Shame on you!

21. An Epi-pen. Because I am allergic to a lot of shit. Mostly pain killers and antibiotics, but still. You can never be too careful.

22. Various receipts tucked inside a small journal. I have a crappy filing system and I like to write stuff down when it pops in my head. What can I say? There may be a method to my madness…

23. A book of sticky notes. My upline, S &D sponsor, Heather, gave this to me when I went to Vegas for HOOPLA. It’s been in my bag since, and I’ve used it many times for lots of stuff. So it stays.

24. The metallic pouf that matches my bag. Wouldn’t you like to know what’s INSIDE? Um…no.

25. Tiny hair clips. I’m letting my bangs grow out, so I usually need something to clip them back with. Just got a new pack, and decided my purse was the safest place for them, since I have 3 young girls who live with me, and are always in search of hair accessories. And they have been known to bring home lice from school. Just sayin’….

26. A prescription bottle. Enough said.

27. A rat-tail comb. It gets tangles out. Not without a fair amount of screaming though. You’ve been warned.

28. Notes on a script I am now collaborating on. When it’s done, I’ll let you know 🙂

 

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Wisdom from a cookie

I really love fortune cookies.

I really love fortune cookies.

The Beans and I have begun a tradition…of sorts. On Friday nights, we go and have sushi (bank account willing, of course) at our favorite spot. Often, it’s just us girls, as The Man is usually working…to pay the bill…lol 🙂 No matter what everybody orders, the meal always ends with the same thing: FORTUNE COOKIES. Truth be told, it’s my favorite part, but I rarely give the little slips of paper much thought after reading them. Unless we happen to be blessed with pearls of knowledge that look like the ones above.

These were our fortunes one of the last time we went to Zen, a favorite spot. Gotta love a restaurant with that name, right? I was so impressed by the treasure trove of wisdom, I snapped a picture. And now I’m writing about what each statement means in reference to the one who pulled it from its crescent-shaped cookie.

 

It’s important to you that money not be important. 

This was mine, and it couldn’t be more true. Personally, I would prefer returning to the days of bartering for goods and services. Money fuels too much of our lives, and I can’t stand being dependent upon it. If there’s not enough, people are unhappy. If there’s too much, people are unhappy. Where is the balance? There isn’t one, as far as I can see. Money can’t buy happiness. Sure, it can serve as a band-aid for a much deeper seeded issue. But at the end of the day, the wound is still there, festering underneath.  Honestly, I believe my family is better off without an abundance of the nation’s currency. That being said, if I won the lottery…I’d cash the check. And go eat sushi.

It’s time you asked that special someone out on a date.

Sugar Bean pulled this one. Still scratching my head over what it’s meaning could be. Seriously…she’s fourteen. She can’t date. Hell, I don’t even allow her to wear makeup to school. Apparently, this one needs some time to reach its full potential. Three years sounds about right, don’t ya think?

If you have knowledge, let others light their candles by it.

Since this one belonged to Butter Bean, I can only assume it’s a reference to the fact that she’s our family’s math whiz. On several occasions during the last school year, she actually helped Sugar Bean with her math homework. She was in third grade, and SB was in seventh. Therefore, Butter Bean kept SB’s candle lit by sharing her mathematical genius! Thus, saving SB’s butt from being grounded under less than favorable math grades. Go figure.

It’s not the plan that is important, it’s the planning.

Ahh….Sweet Pea….my planner. Always coming up with elaborate schemes and agendas from the depths of her imagination. She makes calendars, books, drawings, etc….all depicting grand plans for us and her friends. And it keeps her occupied for hours. Which gives mama time to clean house, workwrite or play on Facebook. Yes, it’s all in the planning 🙂

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Smurf Lice

Well, well, well….how did you like that magic trick yesterday? Is your entourage calling you Houdini yet? If so, welcome to the club. The Beans think I’m a rock star of epic proportions based on that display of scientific based trickery alone. Little do they know, it only scratched the surface on my bag o’ tricks 🙂

So. It’s been a crazy few weeks up in here. Which is precisely why I haven’t been showing much love to the blog. But now that The Beans are back in school (can I get a HELL YEAH?) and The Man is working again, after what seemed-like-a-century-but-was-really-only-about-a-month-off, things should be returning to normal. Maybe. I’ve still got 178 things too many on my plate, so I’ll need to figure out how to clone myself eventually.  Whatever. It’s how I roll.

Anyway, you are probably wondering what on Earth this post is about, with a title like Smurf Lice, right? The Man, of course! You see, he’s had a rough run the past few weeks. First he slammed his foot into the door frame and broke his pinky toe while fetching Butter Bean a glass of water. Then I made him go to the World Premiere of HBO’s film Clear History, starring Larry David, despite having to wear a compression cast (yes, the break is that bad…a spiral fracture, in fact), because Chicago was playing at the after-party, and I wanted to relive the experience of the very first concert I ever attended many moons ago. I didn’t have to twist his arm, if that’s what you’re thinking. After all, he did mix the film, and we’d missed 2 carefully planned date nights already, due to his damn broken piggy. So he owed me. See pics, below… HBO really knows how to party! Last but not least, I got him into this. Which turned out to be a really great time, but no thanks to me. LOL.

Back to the Smurf Lice.

A few days before the Fresh Brothers excursion, The Man called to me from the bedroom to come and inspect something on his head. Get your mind out of the gutter… I’m talking about the one on top of his neck, people. He pointed to the bothersome place, and I discovered what appeared to be a grain of blue sand. Nothing to worry about, I assured him. Just some random speck. Next! Then on the way home from the pizza party, he dug another mysterious blue bead out of his tresses and mentioned that he’d discovered its origin.  “Really?” I said, “Do tell.” He explained that at some point he’d run out of shampoo, and started using my body wash to clean his hair. Why he didn’t just use MY shampoo, I don’t know. Could it be because the shit is like gold in a bottle, and I threatened to cut the hands off anyone who even looked like they were thinking of using it? Noooo…that couldn’t be it. At any rate, this is what he used:

Be warned. Using this on your head will give you smurf lice.

Be warned. Using this on your head will give you smurf lice.

Notice the blue specks (aka exfoliating beads) pictured on the label? Yep. You guessed it. Smurf lice. Needless to say, The Beans and I had a really good laugh at his expense. Poor guy just can’t catch a break. The irony of that statement is not lost on me, btw 🙂

Okay, so here are a few photos of what may have been the best première after-party I’ve ever been to. Enjoy!!

Why yes, that is a fully functioning ferris wheel you see here!

Why yes, that is a fully functioning ferris wheel you see here!

Talk about a stage setup!!!

Talk about a stage setup!!!

This is the car--The Howard--featured in the movie. We should totally be Price Is Right models, shouldn't we?

This is the car–The Howard–featured in the movie. We should totally be Price Is Right models, shouldn’t we?

He balanced that pin on his chin from standing, down to this position, and back to standing without ever dropping it. Piece of cake, right?

He balanced that pin on his chin from standing, down to this position, and back to standing without ever dropping it. Piece of cake, right?

I stole this guy's clown nose right after the pic was taken.

I stole this guy’s clown nose right after the pic was taken.

 

** PS…If you haven’t seen Clear History yet, I highly recommend it. Just search for it on HBO…even if you aren’t a fan of Larry David. I laughed from beginning to end. Seriously. 

 

 

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