What’s In My Purse?

So…in lieu of my somewhat usual, “It’s Friday…For Real” video blog, I decided to post something equally intriguing.

I hope.

The thing is, I’m battling bronchitis, which kind of makes me sound like Froggy when I talk, so I really didn’t want to be on film. And that’s just my voice. Haven’t been sleeping well…so…you know, I’ve got the next trendy line of dark-colored, luggage hanging under my eyes.  Call me vain. Whatever. Back to my purse. Which, speaks VOLUMES about a lady, right?

Here’s the photo. I’m gonna list the items, but it’s up to you to play “I SPY” and spot them, because I don’t have the slightest clue how to add arrows and labels and all the other stuff on top of the picture to make it look really cool.

pursecontents

In no particular order….

1. Star Student Report for one of The Beans. This is to let me know she can read, write and compute numbers as well as, if not better than the other students who took the test. I don’t put much stock in these reports. My kids are bright, and happy.

2. The Warehouse envelope my DMB tickets arrived in 2 weeks ago. Haven’t posted about the concert yet. I’ll get to it. Promise.

3. An appointment card for The Beans for their next dentist visit….in 6 months. They just went yesterday, so the card has not yet been lost.

4. A really long ass receipt from CVS. 3 items bought. Lots of coupons…I WILL NEVER USE, because I will forget I have them.

5. Multiple pens & a Sharpie. If this needs an explanation, you either don’t have kids or don’t live in LA. God Bless You 🙂

6.  A Gerber camping knife. Goes everywhere with me, and I can open it with one hand. Comes in handy more often than you think, and solicits very quizzical looks from the other moms when I whip it out after someone asks for scissors at a PTA meeting.

7. My cobalt blue Stella & Dot Tech Wallet. I LOVE THIS. You should get one….here.

8. A black headband…because you just never know when you’ll need to pull your hair off your forehead, revealing some wrinkles. Seriously.

9. A Stella & Dot look book. What? I’m a stylist, and I like to book and sell on the go 🙂

10. My keys. Pretty self-explanatory, right?

11. A zippered, fabric pouch/coin purse. I may or may not have stolen this from one of The Beans. It holds metal money nicely, and LA is full of parking meters.

12. Various coupons for sandwiches at different places. Maybe I will remember I have them one day when I’m hungry. Who knows?

13. Union Square Scarf in Midnight Bloom from Stella & Dot. I adore scarves. They are the PERFECT accessory. If I don’t have one on, there is usually one in my bag. Honestly, I feel naked without them.

14. Residual checks from SAG-AFTRA. One belongs to Butter Bean, who said the F-word in a movie 3 years ago, and the other belongs to me for voice-over work on a TV show. Mine is for $0.03, after taxes. Hers is exponentially larger.

15. A red, “wallet” thingy that holds important papers. It should be in a safe deposit box somewhere, probably. Although I think the only thing in it now is my marriage certificate? Don’t ask.

16. A slip from the USPS to pick up a letter. Funny thing is, they are supposed to knock on your door to try to deliver it first. Didn’t happen. I was home all day. Postman was apparently too busy to climb the driveway to the door. Hmmm….

17. My Passport. Because you just never know when you may need to hop a flight and skip town, right?

18. A 4-leafed clover I found in Toronto the last time I visited. I have a gift for finding them, but this is the only one I’ve ever found in another country 🙂

19. Mini-look books from Stella & Dot. See #8 above.

20. My actual “How Does She Do It”  bag from Stella & Dot. Have you still not checked out the line? Shame on you!

21. An Epi-pen. Because I am allergic to a lot of shit. Mostly pain killers and antibiotics, but still. You can never be too careful.

22. Various receipts tucked inside a small journal. I have a crappy filing system and I like to write stuff down when it pops in my head. What can I say? There may be a method to my madness…

23. A book of sticky notes. My upline, S &D sponsor, Heather, gave this to me when I went to Vegas for HOOPLA. It’s been in my bag since, and I’ve used it many times for lots of stuff. So it stays.

24. The metallic pouf that matches my bag. Wouldn’t you like to know what’s INSIDE? Um…no.

25. Tiny hair clips. I’m letting my bangs grow out, so I usually need something to clip them back with. Just got a new pack, and decided my purse was the safest place for them, since I have 3 young girls who live with me, and are always in search of hair accessories. And they have been known to bring home lice from school. Just sayin’….

26. A prescription bottle. Enough said.

27. A rat-tail comb. It gets tangles out. Not without a fair amount of screaming though. You’ve been warned.

28. Notes on a script I am now collaborating on. When it’s done, I’ll let you know 🙂

 

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Wisdom from a cookie

I really love fortune cookies.

I really love fortune cookies.

The Beans and I have begun a tradition…of sorts. On Friday nights, we go and have sushi (bank account willing, of course) at our favorite spot. Often, it’s just us girls, as The Man is usually working…to pay the bill…lol 🙂 No matter what everybody orders, the meal always ends with the same thing: FORTUNE COOKIES. Truth be told, it’s my favorite part, but I rarely give the little slips of paper much thought after reading them. Unless we happen to be blessed with pearls of knowledge that look like the ones above.

These were our fortunes one of the last time we went to Zen, a favorite spot. Gotta love a restaurant with that name, right? I was so impressed by the treasure trove of wisdom, I snapped a picture. And now I’m writing about what each statement means in reference to the one who pulled it from its crescent-shaped cookie.

 

It’s important to you that money not be important. 

This was mine, and it couldn’t be more true. Personally, I would prefer returning to the days of bartering for goods and services. Money fuels too much of our lives, and I can’t stand being dependent upon it. If there’s not enough, people are unhappy. If there’s too much, people are unhappy. Where is the balance? There isn’t one, as far as I can see. Money can’t buy happiness. Sure, it can serve as a band-aid for a much deeper seeded issue. But at the end of the day, the wound is still there, festering underneath.  Honestly, I believe my family is better off without an abundance of the nation’s currency. That being said, if I won the lottery…I’d cash the check. And go eat sushi.

It’s time you asked that special someone out on a date.

Sugar Bean pulled this one. Still scratching my head over what it’s meaning could be. Seriously…she’s fourteen. She can’t date. Hell, I don’t even allow her to wear makeup to school. Apparently, this one needs some time to reach its full potential. Three years sounds about right, don’t ya think?

If you have knowledge, let others light their candles by it.

Since this one belonged to Butter Bean, I can only assume it’s a reference to the fact that she’s our family’s math whiz. On several occasions during the last school year, she actually helped Sugar Bean with her math homework. She was in third grade, and SB was in seventh. Therefore, Butter Bean kept SB’s candle lit by sharing her mathematical genius! Thus, saving SB’s butt from being grounded under less than favorable math grades. Go figure.

It’s not the plan that is important, it’s the planning.

Ahh….Sweet Pea….my planner. Always coming up with elaborate schemes and agendas from the depths of her imagination. She makes calendars, books, drawings, etc….all depicting grand plans for us and her friends. And it keeps her occupied for hours. Which gives mama time to clean house, workwrite or play on Facebook. Yes, it’s all in the planning 🙂

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Smurf Lice

Well, well, well….how did you like that magic trick yesterday? Is your entourage calling you Houdini yet? If so, welcome to the club. The Beans think I’m a rock star of epic proportions based on that display of scientific based trickery alone. Little do they know, it only scratched the surface on my bag o’ tricks 🙂

So. It’s been a crazy few weeks up in here. Which is precisely why I haven’t been showing much love to the blog. But now that The Beans are back in school (can I get a HELL YEAH?) and The Man is working again, after what seemed-like-a-century-but-was-really-only-about-a-month-off, things should be returning to normal. Maybe. I’ve still got 178 things too many on my plate, so I’ll need to figure out how to clone myself eventually.  Whatever. It’s how I roll.

Anyway, you are probably wondering what on Earth this post is about, with a title like Smurf Lice, right? The Man, of course! You see, he’s had a rough run the past few weeks. First he slammed his foot into the door frame and broke his pinky toe while fetching Butter Bean a glass of water. Then I made him go to the World Premiere of HBO’s film Clear History, starring Larry David, despite having to wear a compression cast (yes, the break is that bad…a spiral fracture, in fact), because Chicago was playing at the after-party, and I wanted to relive the experience of the very first concert I ever attended many moons ago. I didn’t have to twist his arm, if that’s what you’re thinking. After all, he did mix the film, and we’d missed 2 carefully planned date nights already, due to his damn broken piggy. So he owed me. See pics, below… HBO really knows how to party! Last but not least, I got him into this. Which turned out to be a really great time, but no thanks to me. LOL.

Back to the Smurf Lice.

A few days before the Fresh Brothers excursion, The Man called to me from the bedroom to come and inspect something on his head. Get your mind out of the gutter… I’m talking about the one on top of his neck, people. He pointed to the bothersome place, and I discovered what appeared to be a grain of blue sand. Nothing to worry about, I assured him. Just some random speck. Next! Then on the way home from the pizza party, he dug another mysterious blue bead out of his tresses and mentioned that he’d discovered its origin.  “Really?” I said, “Do tell.” He explained that at some point he’d run out of shampoo, and started using my body wash to clean his hair. Why he didn’t just use MY shampoo, I don’t know. Could it be because the shit is like gold in a bottle, and I threatened to cut the hands off anyone who even looked like they were thinking of using it? Noooo…that couldn’t be it. At any rate, this is what he used:

Be warned. Using this on your head will give you smurf lice.

Be warned. Using this on your head will give you smurf lice.

Notice the blue specks (aka exfoliating beads) pictured on the label? Yep. You guessed it. Smurf lice. Needless to say, The Beans and I had a really good laugh at his expense. Poor guy just can’t catch a break. The irony of that statement is not lost on me, btw 🙂

Okay, so here are a few photos of what may have been the best première after-party I’ve ever been to. Enjoy!!

Why yes, that is a fully functioning ferris wheel you see here!

Why yes, that is a fully functioning ferris wheel you see here!

Talk about a stage setup!!!

Talk about a stage setup!!!

This is the car--The Howard--featured in the movie. We should totally be Price Is Right models, shouldn't we?

This is the car–The Howard–featured in the movie. We should totally be Price Is Right models, shouldn’t we?

He balanced that pin on his chin from standing, down to this position, and back to standing without ever dropping it. Piece of cake, right?

He balanced that pin on his chin from standing, down to this position, and back to standing without ever dropping it. Piece of cake, right?

I stole this guy's clown nose right after the pic was taken.

I stole this guy’s clown nose right after the pic was taken.

 

** PS…If you haven’t seen Clear History yet, I highly recommend it. Just search for it on HBO…even if you aren’t a fan of Larry David. I laughed from beginning to end. Seriously. 

 

 

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Hurling Jello

If only my jello looked like this!

If only my jello looked like this!

 

You knew it was bound to happen, right? After all, it wouldn’t be fair to leave you hanging with just a list of the 5 Best Things About Being in the Hospital.  And, given the fact…

I’m. Still. Here.

…with nothing to do but read, write, play Criminal Case on FB, watch really bad television, and give The Man the stink eye when he shows up to have ‘lunch with me’ and brings a sandwich and FRENCH FRIES for himself, knowing I can’t have even one!  Whaaaatever. Karma is a bitch, and she’s my BFF. So there.

Anyway, I’ve decided to comprise a list of The Worst Things About Being in the Hospital. Notice there’s not a number attached, as I really can’t say how long this list will be. I’ve been here 6 days now. Could take a lil’ bit. So, pour a glass of wine or grab a fruity cocktail, maybe some chips & guacamole…or one of the other 8,472,931 edible things I can’t have…sit back, relax and enjoy!

In no particularly order, I present to you my idea of the worst parts about the forced hiatus from my life. Ta-da!!!

Food and Beverage Commercials- Believe me, I understand the power of advertising, but have you ever noticed how many commercials on television are food/beverage related? Probably not, because unless you are in the hospital on a liquid diet, you can choose (or not) to have anything that happens to flash on that screen. At first, I thought I was just sensitive to it, because I’m starving. Uh…no. I counted them. During one commercial break, there were 5 spots: one for chocolate, one for burgers, one for chips, one for Jello (isn’t that ironic?) and one for Applebee’s. I let the last one slide, because my friend Maribeth is the star 🙂 The last time my nurse came in to check on me and ask if I needed anything, I told her she could call the networks and politely instruct them to temporarily suspend the run of any and all food/beverage/restaurant commercials until I get sprung from this joint. She giggled.

I was dead serious.

Vampires- I know, I know…phlebotomists. Yes…I respect the need for them in the hospital. After all they are specialists at what they do. However, it doesn’t make me loathe their 4am, needle-wielding,  wake-up calls any less. Perhaps if all of them looked like Robert Pattinson, or the guys from True Blood, I would be less grumpy about the visits. Okay, that’s a lie. Anyone that wakes me up just to stick me, drain me, and leave me is never received with open arms regardless of the time of day. Oh, and overall…their bedside manner SUCKS.

Noises- There are more than half a dozen separate sounds I can hear at the moment: my IV pump, the air conditioner (very noisy), the nurses relaying chart information, the lady next door yelling “Somebody help me, I gotta get up!” (I think she may be in the wrong unit, if catch my drift), the hospital PA system announcing a “Code Pink” (it’s a drill, I asked),  an alarm on one of the elderly patients’ beds that plays the tune of “Old MacDonald” incessantly and various other beeps, bells and dings. It’s maddening….even with my DOOR SHUT. I will admit to the temptation of actually recording it. After all, The Man does post-production sound effects for film, and this stuff would be GOLDEN to have in his sound library. Then I remembered about the french fries.

Sheets and Pillows- Now before you go thinking I’m some diva, requiring Eygptian cotton, 5000 thread count (do those even exist?) sheets, and goose down pillows like the ones at a 5-star hotel….don’t. Totally not me. I followed The Dead in college and am perfectly happy sleeping in a tent with an air mattress, covered with a COTTON SHEET and a pillow that just doesn’t run from its pillowcase. The pillows here are covered in plastic, and I understand why…but I don’t have to like them, do I? The only thing that irritates me more than having my bed linens wrinkly and in a bunch is feeling little ‘pills’ on them. It happens on…you guessed it…50/50 poly-cotton blend fabric. And wouldn’t you know it….the place designed to keep me bedridden and resting uses these sheets! For the love of all things holy….that’s why 100%, no-iron, cotton percale sheets exist. Get a clue, hospital admin people.

Bathing- I’ve been here 5 nights and 6 days now, and had 2 showers. All the days in between, I smelled like a dirty hippie. You know why? Because bathing myself with basically one arm is almost impossible. You see, I have this pesky IV in my left arm and they put it right in the bend of my elbow (big fat, juicy vein there) so I can’t bend my arm. Plus, to take a shower it has to be wrapped in plastic and made waterproof with tape that MacGyer would die to have in his tool pouch. Medical tape is the first cousin to Duct Tape, I believe. Seriously. And forget about washing my hair. Just couldn’t happen. So what do you think is at the top of my “To Do List” once I get out?

Peeing every 20 minutes- Since I was beyond dehydrated when I came in, I’ve had constant fluids running through me the entire time. And between The Liquid Diet (see next item on list) and the fluids, I haven’t peed this much since I was preggo with Sweet Pea. Up and down, up and down. Every 20 to 30 minutes. It’s exhausting, and painful, given the nature of my illness.  Again, I understand the benefits, but I thought I was supposed to rest here. Hello, catheter anyone?

The Liquid Diet- Remember how I talked about loving Jello in this post?  Well, you can forget all that BS. Because I’ve got a bit of strength back now, and I’m fairly certain the next tray that comes through my door sporting a fancy little plastic dish full of that translucent, colorful shit is going to be hurled at the wall. That goes for its equally nasty friend gelato too. Maybe I can say I was redecorating, and I thought the walls needed some modern “artwork” 🙂

Luigi, please go back to chasing Mario, will ya?

Luigi, stick with your partner Mario and go back to your day job, will ya?

***On a serious note though, the MOST EXCRUCIATING thing about being here is missing The Beans. The hospital will not allow the littles to come up and visit. Sugar Bean barely made the age requirement herself, and only came once, on Saturday for about 15 minutes. I think seeing me here spooked her and I didn’t press her to come back. If all goes well, I’ll be out this afternoon, have my babies in my arms and go back to life as usual in a few days. Okay, maybe not ‘as usual’, since that got me here in the first place. I’ll be making some adjustments so I can continue to entertain y’all with the adventures of my life from anywhere but here!

 

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