Hi ladies and gentlemen, it’s The Calibamamom, coming to you LIVE from…
a hospital bed!!
It’s true. My colon got angry at me, decided I needed a vacation, and promptly made me sick. REALLY sick. So my travel agent doctor booked me a nice room at a nearby hospital for a few days . Since my only connection to the outside world at the moment is my laptop, and I’m hopped up on pain killers and antibiotics, I thought it might be fun to highlight some of the best things about being here. I mean, overall it sucks, but there are some advantages (wink, wink). Especially if you are a sleep-deprived, SAHM to 3 Beans, a dog, and 3 lizards. Oh, and wifey to The Man.
Here’s my Top 5….
1. Ass-baring, one size fits none, gowns. Talk about a fashion statement! They snap at the shoulders, and tie in the back. However, even if you connect all the ties and snaps in the right places, chances are your ass will still be hanging out. Which is convenient if your nurse happens to be a little moody. You can just roll over and tell her to kiss it! Oh, and don’t get me started on the weird little pictures/icons printed on the fabric. I mean where do they find this stuff?
2. People at my beck and call…with the push of a button. So far, all of my nurses have been awesome. Although it would be way cooler if they were all insanely gorgeous, male models who walked around in nothing but scrub pants. But I suspect that might slow the healing process. People would be having heart attacks and strokes left and right, in an effort to extend their stays. I might be inclined to fake a coma myself.
3. Jello. Red is the best flavor in my opinion, but here they alternate colors/flavors. So far I’ve had red, green and orange. Just waiting for the yellow, blue and purple to show up so I can give ’em a gold star for supporting The Rainbow. Oh, and they give you a free pass to have as much as you want, especially if you are on that marvelous ‘clear liquid’ diet (see photo below). If only they knew how to make the jello “electric”. Perhaps I should give them the recipe. That would be super fun, right?
Yummy, huh?
4. IV pain meds every 3 hours…Woo-hoo!!! Need I say more? If you want to fly high, and be pain-free–or at least not give a shit that you are in pain–the hospital is THE place to be. Of course if you are like me, and allergic to all the really good stuff, it’s always fun to watch the doctor try to figure out what to give you. Every time I’ve been in the hospital could have been filmed as an episode of ‘Mysteries in the ER’. True story.
5. Rabbit-turd ice. You know what I’m talking about right? The ice that’s so fun to crunch, and is only available in hospitals and select fast food places like Sonic Burger (FYI…they sell it in bags). Give me a bucket of that ice, and I won’t bother you for hours. I once checked into buying one of those ice machines for my house, but it turns out they are pretty expensive. Who knew?
Anyway, I’m here for a few days, so this probably won’t be my last post from the M*A*S*H unit, so stay tuned!!
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OMG, get well soon! Although I COMPLETELY understand the temptation to stay. Bright side – family will realize how much you do for them. Dark side – they will forget it all about 10 minutes after you’ve been home, AND the mess left left you might just send you back with that heart attack you were talking about. Or maybe that’s just me…;)
RFLMAO…I can already tell they realize how much I do. On the other hand, I can say that hubby is doing a MARVELOUS job as Mr.Mom while I’m holed up here eating jello and ice chips.
Oh my god, this cracked me up. I had to spend the day at the ER two weeks ago because of a ruptured cyst – and I was totally thinking the same thing – “People come when I press a button? Sweet!” (Plus the pain meds were A-MAZING.) On a serious note, I hope you feel better soon! Stopping by from Honest Voices 🙂
Amanda, so funny you mention the cyst, because that’s what I though I had when I limped into the ER!!! Thanks for the well-wishes 🙂
hahahaha, the really good stuff had my flying after my c-section. I remember a conversation with a friend when she came to visit me that went something like this:
me: watch! when I close my eyes I can SWING! SEE? Right now I’m going side to side. but WAIT! WATCH! Now I’m going forward and backward. whoooo. OH, hey, I wonder if i can spin. YEAHHH!!! DID YOU SEE THAT oh. spinning. oooohhhh, still spinning. spinning not good! STOP ME! GRAB ME
her: open your eyes
me: oh, phew, thanks. did you see that? I can swing.
Lori, this made me laugh soooo hard! Because I remember having some pretty weird conversations when I was in labor, and all I had was an epidural!!
🙂 it still makes me and my friend laugh when we talk about it.
I’m sorry you are sick, but good drugs? Good ice? Sounds glorious!
Awe thanks! This would be the perfect vacation destination if they just had half-naked, drop dead gorgeous, male nurses floating around the place…lol 🙂
So sorry you’re sick. 🙁 Wish I could do something to make you better. Take care of you and let me know if you need anything! xoxo
Enjoy your vacay!!! I’m kind of on one too…lol 🙂
Please get well soon! But enjoy that ice… And pain meds 🙂 I’ll be expecting a much more ‘tripped out’ blog from you soon 😉 hang in there!!!
The ice is THE BOMB!!!
Oh, you poor thing! Enjoy the silver lining parts while you can- the pain meds…the off-duty time… and glad you are enjoying reading blog posts while you’re all laid up! (Thanks for stopping by my swearing post today! 😉 )
I’m trying, believe me. Hope the story about allowing my 6 year old daughter to say the F-word and get paid for it made you laugh! And thank you for swinging by over here 🙂
Love how you always find the funny and good in any situation.
I HAVE to 🙂
Oh yeah, ice chips. And Jello, and beef broth- so my world, so very soon. Feel better sooN!
i hope you feel better soon!! I think I will go to sonic for a bag of rat turd ice!!!!! lol
Thanks, Mary Lynn!! Enjoy that ice 🙂
I’m a little late to the party, so I hope you are feeling better by now!!
I am feeling better, but haven’t been released yet! Hoping to go home Tuesday, at the latest….fingers crossed 🙂
Ok. The rabbit turd ice snuck up on me. I laughed so hard! I actually like being in the hospital. It’s a total treat. As long as I’m running on both kidneys. 😉 Electric jello. hahahaha!
Rabbit turd ice is THE BEST!! And you can thank my wild-assed friends in high school for the whole “electric jello” label. Never a dull moment 🙂
feel better
xoxo
cathy
Thanks, Cathy!!