Top 10 Phrases The Beans Say Contributing to My Insanity

I.Dare.You.

Everybody has pet peeves. You know, the stuff other people do that drives them batty. If by chance you are shaking your head ‘no’ and nothing bothers you, then I want both the name of the doctor you are seeing and the medication he has you on. What? You think I’m joking? Get me that info….STAT. 

Oh and unless you gave birth to rosy-cheeked, angelic and chubby, winged creatures, chances are your kids are the masters at pushing your peevy buttons. I know mine are. Experts at their craft, I tell you. Since boarding school is out of my price range  I love them more than life itself, I decided today was the day to bitch about it  by making a list of the almost daily, verbal annoyances they utter in their multi-layered plot to drive me over the edge. Here goes….

Top 10 Phrases The Beans Say (almost) Everyday,

Contributing to My Insanity

 

10. Did you wash my _________? 

This is generally in reference to P.E. clothes, and blurted out moments before we are heading to school on Monday morning. They had ALL WEEKEND to make sure this happened, and yet….they wait until the last possible second. Inevitably I end up frantically washing, drying and delivering them to the school in record time, totally screwing up my morning. I mean, God forbid she has to borrow some from the loaner bin for ONE freaking day! Oh, the horror!

9. Can I have _________? 

This could be a request for anything from a new toy or a new pet, to much larger things like….a trampoline. None of which are needed.

8. Mama, where’s my _______? 

Well, how am I supposed to know? It doesn’t belong to me. Did you look for it? NO. You asked me because I have a built-in GPS called a uterus. Oh, and this one doesn’t just come from The Beans. The Man joins the party on this one as well. Oh joy! 

7. But _______’s mom/dad let’s him/her do it. 

Well good for them! Too bad they aren’t your parents. Wanna see if they’ll adopt you? No. Okay…moving on then.

6. I can’t find a pencil. 

This might be the one that sends me to the asylum, since it comes out of Sweet Pea’s or Butter Bean’s mouth every day. No lie. And I have bought every kind of pencil there is…Ticonderogas, mechanical ones, sparkly ones….you name them, and we’ve owned them. I even sharpen them and put them in the designated spot. And yet….there is never one around come homework time. There has to be a pencil-eating monster living in my house, and I’ll bet he was invited by the little bastard troll who eats socks in the dryer. That’s the only explanation.

5. Will you bring me some ________? 

Last time I checked, every child I birthed has a working pair of legs. So wtf is this about? Always when I am busy doing something important only to me–blogging, Facebooking, Twittering, reading–or worse, after I have already settled into bed for the night. *Sigh*

4. Are we going somewhere fun today? 

This is mainly on the weekends, and stems from the fact that The Man and I have created tiny beings who constantly need to be entertained. Our attempts at being crowned “Mom & Dad of the Millenium” clearly biting me/us right square in the ass. Oh well, at least I can admit it, right? And that’s the first step towards recovery if I’m not mistaken. “Hello, my name is Nancy….”

3. Mama, _______ is _________!! 

Tattle-taling is the bane of my existence. Unless whatever is happening is a violent attempt to end your life, work it out. You are not snitches-in-training. Simply denying you a toy you had no interest in before she picked it up, does not constitute an emergency. When blood is drawn, someone is unconscious or the house is on fire…..tattle. Otherwise, build a bridge and get the eff over it!

2. I’m bored. 

Never fails. Everyday, this comes out of every small mouth in the house. Repeatedly. How on earth can this even be in their realm of thinking? They have every electronic gadget known to man, enough books to fill a library, art supplies out the wazoo, scooters, bikes, roller skates….even a dang POGO STICK!! And we live within walking distance of a park. How can they be bored??????

And the NUMBER ONE PHRASE THAT BUGS THE PISS OUT OF ME…

1. I’m hungry. 

All. the. time. I could have just returned from the mother of all grocery store shopping extravaganzas and inevitably, one of them will open the fridge and say “I’m hungry, and there’s nothing to eat.”  The Man also frequently dumps gasoline on this fire too.

WTF?? I quit. 

 

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Comments

  1. Stacey Ramirez says:

    My absolute favorite post, hands down. Do we live in the same house?! Numbers 1-10 – YES!!! Exactly, exactly, EXACTLY. #8 Would be my #1. You’ve nailed it, Nanc. Thank GOD it’s not just me.

    • calibamamom says:

      No, it’s not just you! Yesterday, when Sugar Bean said “I’m bored”, I actually went on a tirade about how kids right here in our very ‘City of Angels’ have IMAGINATIONS and play OUTSIDE with STICKS and ROCKS because they don’t have televisions, bikes, scooters, Nintendos, Kindles, iPhones, Wii’s & X-Boxes, AG Dolls, Monster High Dolls, shelves full of books, etc. All 3 promptly became quiet and walked outside to play, heads held low. Mission accomplished.

  2. OMG. I had forgotten about all of this. I can still remember bugging the crap out of MY mother when I said all of this stuff. I am so very, very screwed!

  3. Do we have the same kids? Well, I’m running out of smart-ass answers like, “get the waiter’s attention & they’ll bring you something to eat… But I have heard the service at this place stinks, so if you don’t get it yourself, it could take a while.” Or there’s always the “go brush your teeth or we are going to watch the ‘faces of merh’ video.” I’m sure they will pay me back plenty when they are teenagers 🙂

  4. I’m positive I’ve heard every single one of these in my house at one time or another. Standing in front of the fridge complaining about nothing to eat still happens. I don’t believe them anymore. Since neither one of them has mastered the flush handle on the toilet I often see proof that they are finding plenty to eat.

  5. That sounds like me when I was still living with my parents. Tee-hee!

  6. Rebecca says:

    Why oh why can they not flush the toilet? Why is pushing that shiny little lever down SO HARD?!!!!

Give it to me straight. I can take it :-)

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