In the eyes of others, I’m strong enough.


Deep down, I’ve always believed this statement.

Otherwise, I would be perpetually angry at God for weighing me down with loads much heavier than my tiny, 40 year-old body can carry at any given moment. Fortunately, the days when I get pissed at you know who, and wonder why, despite the fact I am commonly seen in yoga pants, she can’t remember that I haven’t lifted weights or seen the inside of a gym in ages…are infrequent.

That being said, I had one yesterday.Truth be told, it began Tuesday night, sent me into a full-on, Southern Bitch “TAY-ER”, and culminated in a surprise visit from Aunt Flow…in the middle of the night. Go ahead, gasp. But remember: you were warned about TMI showing up here. 

It all leads back to my desire to contribute somehow, to our family piggy bank, yet being clueless how to do it. My job title, since 1999 has been MOM. It’s full-time, requires a ton of skills, and the schedule is pretty rigid. Problem is, how do I suddenly fit in another job, that pays in dollars, during a recession, without compromising the responsibilities of my number one job? For the last 13 years my salary has come in smiles, hugs and giggles, which I happily deposited straight into my heart. Yes, I have a college degree. IN DANCE AND ENGLISH. Fields I never established careers in, because life nudged me in the direction of motherhood. Who is going to hire me? It’s quite the conundrum. Anyway, it’s the days when I begin to reflect on my current job, and my need for an additional job that I end up feeling completely inadequate in every way. Just like a big, clumsy failure. Factor in that old bitch, Aunt Flow, and it’s the perfect storm.

But I digress.

While taking a break this morning, which is code for ” I sat down because I was woozy from the muscle relaxers calming the cramps”, I decided to clean out my purse. And, lo and behold I found something great. Reassurance. In the form of an essay Sugar Bean wrote as an assignment in her 6th grade class. She presented me with it a couple of weeks ago. I cried for days, and then put it in my purse so I wouldn’t lose it. I’d like to say I didn’t forget about it, but, that would be…well… a lie.  Blame it on the distraction of 6th grade math homework.

But I found it today. (Thanks, God)

The person I admire greatly is my mother, Nancy. She is 5 feet and 1 inch. She has a skinny body and is usually in sweats or t-shirts from Alabama. She attended the University of Alabama, and moved to California 15 years ago. She drove all the way by herself across the country. Her parents died when she was  at a fairly young age. She had to fend for herself when they died. She has 3 older sisters and 3 older brothers, but they all live in Alabama. When she came here, she didn’t have any family. Now she has friends from college here. She has an English degree and a dance degree. I cannot believe that my mom did all that by herself.

I also admire her because she is very strong and brave. She believes everything happens for a reason. She loves everything she does, and enjoys life with my dad, me, and my two sisters. She is very tolerant and has a high patience level. She is a strong, composed and beautiful lady. Even though we are going through tough times right now, she always finds a way to give to others and make them happy. I love her with all my heart. I hope to be just like her. She is very kind-hearted and sweet and is raising us to be too. She always makes us laugh, and comforts us when we cry. Man, she has a sense of humor! She is very persistent and determined, and teaches my sisters and me to always put others first. She is currently trying to help our family by looking for ways to get a job to make money. She loves the medical field and forensic crime investigation. 

I love her soooooooo much. Now you can see why. She is strong, loving, funny, caring, brave and kind, and an awesome cook too. I hope you get why she is the most stupendous person in the world. She is the pillow beneath my head. I love her with all my heart, to the moon and back.”  

~written by my precious Sugar Bean, aged 12

If I never have another job besides being a mama, that’s okay. We’ll make it.

Because with a performance review like this, at least I know I’m doing the job I was blessed with to the very best of my ability, and that is all I can hope for .

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