They asked. So I answered.

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All my new kindred bloggy souls asked, so I allowed my ‘loose at both ends and tied in the middle” tongue to take the wheel for this post. Might be a train wreck. Hard to watch, but impossible to look away from 🙂 Anyway, here are the results. So grab a cocktail, and get comfy. This train has many cars…..

1) What’s your worst drunken episode of adult life? If I could remember, I probably wasn’t that drunk now was I?

2) What’s something you’re obsessed with? Going to DMB concerts. I’ve been to an obscene number of shows, and don’t plan on stopping. Until I die, or he stops playing.

3) What hidden/odd talent do you have? I can say my ABC’s backwards faster than most people can say theirs forwards. I also have an uncanny ability for finding 4-leafed clovers. True story. I have 100’s of them.

4) Do you have any irrational fears and what are they? Yes. I am horrified of water that I can’t see through. This includes oceans, lakes, etc. The fear of what is down there is a complete pain in the ass, because I would love to learn how to surf and to sail.

5) Why do you blog? I use it as therapy. I’ve always kept a journal, but I think my writing is entertaining sometimes, and I’m a sharer 🙂

6) If you could have a super power (x-ray vision, invisibility, etc) what would it be and why? It’s a toss-up between Teleportation and Invisibility. Because I like to travel, but I also enjoy walking around naked.

7) Biggest pet peeve? THE SOUND OF LIQUID BEING SLURPED.

8) Which TV/movie character best resembles your personality? a combination of Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) in “Almost Famous”, Melanie Carmichael (Reese Witherspoon) in Sweet Home Alabama, and Leanne Tuohy (Sandra Bullock) inThe Blind Side“.

9) What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? Pumping gas at my daddy’s filling station when I was in junior high school.

10) If your readers met you in person, what would surprise them most about you? How tiny I am. I’m only 5’1″. But my personality is really tall…lol.

11) What is your most embarrassing parenting fail? My Oldest figured out how to unbuckle her car seat when she was 2, and would randomly unstrap herself while we were driving. So I took her to get a different one that had been rated as the hardest one to get out of. In the parking lot of Babies R Us, I installed the new seat, not noticing my keys had dropped out of my pocket onto the seat of the car. Apparently, I put my knee on the remote and locked the car, without realizing it. Once she was strapped in, I closed the door and went to get in the driver’s door only to find it locked. Of course she couldn’t open it, because she didn’t know how to unbuckle herself. THANK GOD I had my cellphone in my pocket, because I had to call AAA to come and open the door. It started raining while I was standing outside the car, so by the time the guy arrived, I was soaking wet, panicked and crying…..all the while my Sugar Bean was waving at me, giggling and giving me a thumbs up for her new seat. Brilliant.

12) What’s the worst date you’ve ever had? There was a guy in high school who kept asking me out, and I finally agreed. He picked me up and took me to a pizza place where they screwed up our order, he realized he forgot his wallet, and then we got in the car to leave and it wouldn’t start. He had to call his mom to come and get us. Worst. Date. Ever. 

13) How I lost my virginity? To the high school sweetheart, but not exactly in a scenario I envisioned. It DID NOT involve the backseat of a car, I assure you of that, but inexperience does make for good comedy, and excellent blog fodder, right? (Oh, and it was not the guy mentioned in #12. He never even got a second date) 

14) What is your weirdest phobia?  Poisonous sea snakes.

15) Is there someone you wish you could apologize to? Yes, as a matter of fact there is.

16) What’s your guilty pleasure? Watching “Married to Jonas”.

17) If you could commit a crime, and absolutely get away with it, what would you commit and why? Rigging the lottery. Do I really need to answer the ‘why’?

18) What historical figure would you most like to spend the day getting pedicures, day-drinking and talking about boys with? Marilyn Monroe

19) Is there anyone you are secretly jealous of? Yes, but it comes and goes.

20) Do you and your mate have a “Hall Pass” list? Yes, we do.

21) If you could be a contestant on a game show, which one would it be? I have been on Pyramid, That’s The Question and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? I would like to be on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, The Amazing Race, or Survivor. 

22) Have you ever been caught ‘doing the deed’? If so, by whom? Almost…by one of my daughters.

23) What’s one accomplishment in life you are the most proud of? Besides becoming a mother, helping organize this.

24) Have you ever met a celebrity? I live in Los Angeles, and The Man works in the Industry. So, yes. Many of them. But they are all people like you and me with bigger paychecks and a job they love 🙂

25) Which skeeves you out the most: vomit, poop, snot or pubic hair? None of the above. Not squeamish at all.

26) What’s the grossest thing you’ve found in your food? not a strand of hair….but a WAD of it. 

27) Most embarrassing thing you’ve done while meeting someone famous. Spilled a tray of champagne on them.

28) What do you want on your tombstone? (The actual stone, not the pizza) She was a force of nature with an old soul, who loved with her whole heart.

Okay, y’all know enough. Go do something productive with the information, will ya?

 

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The Annual

Just as Xanax bottles should say, right?

**TMI ALERT** Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Yesterday was THE DAY. For the yearly check-up with my doctor. You know, the one with the stirrups that have nothing to do with saddles, or leggings in the 80’s?

Um. Yeah. Her. MY OB-GYN.

First let me say, I adore my doctor. She is amazing. She delivered all of my babies, as well as the children of two of my closest girlfriends. We all love Dr. V 🙂 The level of care she gives goes beyond just pre/post-natal and general hoo-ha maintenance. She looks out for my whole body health. Makes sure I’m taking vitamins (yes), and getting enough sleep (no) and that my weight is in check. Then she scolds me because it is NOT.  And asks, “Why have you lost more weight? What’s going on?” Then….she listens, with a look of motherly compassion and concern on her face, while I recap the shit show that has been my life in the past year. “I worried it off, I guess. The stress diet…(nervous laughter),” is my reply. A hug follows, and she gets down to brass tacks.

I’ve got some complaints. Real ones. Every time Aunt Flo visits, it feels like that bitch is wielding a baseball bat, repeatedly slamming it against my lower back, which puts me in bed for at least a whole day, practically in traction. Which, as a mama…..can’t fucking happen. Plus, I lose enough blood to keep both the cast of True Blood and the Cullen Family happy for years, and me dizzy constantly. She has some ideas of what the cause may be, and decides to put me back on…*GASP*….birth control, which I wasn’t planning on needing anymore, because The Man has decided to take affirmative action against his family jewels.  In the end, she boosts my spirits by saying “You are approaching 40’s. Things start to change.”  Um, hello….I. AM. 40. 

And things… they are a-changing.

The good news is, the Hoo-Ha is in good shape and ….I left Dr. V’s office knowing that Girl #4, is NOT on her way. Because let’s face it….the likelihood of a boy after THREE GIRLS would be slim at best even if I was preggo. Which I am NOT. So the ‘Stork Express’ is officially retired from visiting our house.  I mean, seriously. That ship is not only docked, it’s anchored in the middle of the Dead Sea.

Maybe even the Bermuda Triangle.

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I am….

….stealing this writing prompt from one of my bloggy BFF’s…the amazing Dani Ryan over at Cloudy with a Chance of Wine. 

The idea is to write about myself for 5 minutes, starting each sentence with the thought “I am _____” and then filling in the blank.

Stream of consciousness. No edits. Raw honesty. 

Then, refer back to the list on a day you need to be reminded of what you are.

Okay….I’m in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am determined.

I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend…and sometimes a bitch.

I am constantly evolving as a human.

I am still wondering what I’m going to be when I grow up.

I am happy with most of the choices I’ve made in life.

I am astonished by how smart my daughters are.

I am thankful to have a husband who understands me, a loving family and wonderful friends.

I am very uncomfortable in the chair I am sitting in right now.

I am not excited about cooking dinner tonight.

I am having a blast with the new blogging friends I’ve made.

I am avoiding separating/folding/putting away 9 baskets of clean laundry right now.

I am jealous of people who have housekeepers.

I am craving a spicy tuna roll.

I am waiting on the world to change.

I am out of time…….

See y’all later 🙂

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Best Date Night Ever: Halloween Horror Nights

Halloween 2009; My Fancy Nancy with HER Fancy Nancy. I made this costume up, btw, using dress up clothes we had on hand.

Let’s just establish from the git-go that Halloween is my favorite holiday. Save the Turkeys, let Santa retire and put the Easter Bunny on permanent hiatus as far as I’m concerned….but don’t mess around with Halloween. I blame my mama for my ridiculous obsession with this holiday. She was a seamstress, and possessed a burning passion for creating garments for people to dress up in. Sure, she made normal clothes too….but DAMN….THAT WOMAN KNEW HOW TO PUT TOGETHER A COSTUME LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS. One year I was a clown (okay, I’m still a clown), then I was a hobo, the next I was Tweety Bird and when I was in junior high she really stepped up the game….by tea-dyeing about 5 yards of muslin, ripping it into strips and wrapping my entire body up ‘like a mummy”. Of course, I couldn’t piss for several hours, but the costume was effing fantastic. It wasn’t just my mother though. My brothers and sisters got into it too. Although I am the baby of the family by 12 years, they continued to carry on like complete wing nuts every Halloween, perhaps for my benefit, but I really suspect it was for their own enjoyment. One such year, when I was maybe 8 or so, my brother rented a studio grade gorilla costume, and teamed up with my sister, who worked for a local vet in town, known for his love of exotic pets. Dr. Young was also known for being a bit on the eccentric side, and subject to doing things most folks would not dare. Keep in mind, I grew up in a really small town. With that in mind, you can imagine how hilarious it was when my brother, dressed as King Kong decided it would be fun to have my sister and the other vet-tech she worked with drive him around town while he was standing up, appearing to be chained in the bed of Dr.Young’s pickup truck. They drove all over the freaking city…up around the courthouse square…through neighborhoods. EVERYWHERE. Each time they would approach a group of middle or high school aged trick-or-treaters (not little kids, mind you) they would slow down, and my brother would pound his chest and roar, then act like he was ‘breaking free from the chains’ and jump out of the truck into the group of kids. The kids would scream and scatter, understandably….probably wearing dirty underwear. Good times….for the times. Today, he would likely have been shot. Halloween was also a time to go TP yards, shoot random strangers with water guns filled with chocolate syrup, or worse….egg houses. I can remember participating in this kind of prankster activity when I was 6. I thought it was cool, because I was with my 18-year-old sister and her friends. Little did I know, it was also criminal. Thanks, Bug. Anyway, you get the point. These are my people, and Halloween is a big deal.  So it’s only fitting that I carry on family tradition, right? No…I don’t take my kids egging or TP’ing, but we do dress up….elaborately. The picture below is from last year, just before they left to beg for candy from our strangers neighbors:

a tiger, a witch and….a punk rocker?

Ironically though, as much as I LOVE dressing my kids up and going all out, that’s not my favorite part of Halloween anymore. Nope. My favorite part is Halloween season date night with The Man. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. It doesn’t involve kinky sex or role-playing with costumes. We go to Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights every year….without The Beans. For obvious reasons: they are too young. Although, after this past summer, and our participation in the filming of the book trailer for the zombie novel “100 Days of Death”, they might enjoy it now….lol. But I digress. Last year’s annual Halloween Date Night was definitely one for the history books. Even better than the year we ate ‘herbal brownies’ before going in, and were totally paranoid the entire night, thinking the Texas Chainsaws were real. I mean what kind of asshats do THAT? Yeah, us. What can I say…it was our rookie year, and somebody else brought the treats. Anyway….back to Halloween 2011. It started out pretty normal. Except for the fact that we waited until the last-minute to buy our tickets, and missed out on the coveted ‘Front of the Line’ passes, which are worth every extra penny they cost, btw, which is why they SELL OUT. So, there was a fair amount of bitching at the beginning of the night. Still, we were excited, because one of the mazes was ‘Scream 4’ and The Man had just finished mixing the post-sound for it, and wore his crew t-shirt on our date. Very appropriate, attire I thought, although he paired it with some jeans that had a small hole near the pocket in the back. To be fair, I pointed out the hole before we left, and suggested he change his pants, but he ignored me, naturally. Turned out, the tee-shirt was a conversation piece that set the night in motion, and wearing those holey jeans happened to be a stellar decision as well. We were on the escalator going to the lower level, and happened to strike up a conversation with a couple of ladies in front of us, when they inquired about The Man’s shirt. See? Great wardrobe choice. As luck would have it, they were staff make-up artists going from maze to maze checking on the actors and doing touch-ups as needed. We remarked about missing out on the front of the line passes, and how brutally long the lines were, and they offered to take us with them through the maze they were headed for. They got to cut the line, because they worked there, and we just happened to be at the right place at the right time. Now, let me tell you….despite the fact that he works on movies for a living, and knows it’s all costumes, make-up and sound….the characters at HHN scare the crap out of The Man. Every effing year. Me…not so much, as I have nerves of steel. Nonetheless, we truck along with our new BFF’s, and head into ‘Alice Cooper’. Little did we know one of the girls was dating the guy who worked the door to the maze, and she called ahead and told him to have the actors pay special attention to us. And holy shit snacks, did they ever take those instructions seriously. Within the first few minutes of being in the maze, one of the characters jumped out practically on top of us, The Man fell back into me (because I always make him go in first & use him as a shield), scrambled to get away, almost ditched me and did his dead level best to run like hell through the remainder of the maze, with our 2 escorts laughing hysterically. I was laughing too, of course, because when my husband gets spooked, it’s the best show on Earth. But oh…the fun didn’t stop there. Once we got to ‘safety’ outside the maze, I noticed that in the scuffle, the tiny little hole in the back of The Man’s jeans had grown by epic proportions…..

yes. it's exactly what it looks like

yes. it’s exactly what it looks like

Yes, ladies and gentlemen….The Man busted the ass out of his jeans trying to get away from a ‘monster’. And I wet mine laughing at him. Best. Date Night. EVER. Universal Halloween Horror Nights 2011. Needless to say, the girls got such delight in watching The Man get the shit scared out of him in the first maze, they took us with them through every single one, even with The Man’s underwear showing. So we essentially got the Front of the Line Passes…..for free. Sometimes, we live a charmed life when it comes to shit like that. Hoping we get that lucky again this year 🙂

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