The night I was styled by a ‘hooker’ :-)

Admit it…the title sucked you in, didn’t it? LOL. 

So you should know, she’s not REALLY a hooker. It’s a term of endearment that dates back to 2007, when I met a great circle of mommy friends on a (now defunct) website known as CityMommy (oh how I miss that site!). Anyway, after chatting night after night in THE RANT ROOM (thanks, Nicole), about everything from sex and parenthood, to fashion and celebs….we all had the grand idea to meet IN PERSON! And that was the night, one Heather Lerner started calling us ‘her hookers’, and it just stuck. Since then, we have all referred to each other as hookers. A merry band of mommies who have absolutely zero in common with the real women who can rightfully claim that title, aside from the fact that we’ve obviously all had sex at one point or another in our lives.  Go figure.

In the 6 years that have passed, the lot of us have either become more successful at the job we already had, or taken on other jobs in addition to the very important one of motherhood. I’ve become a voice-over actress and writer, Andrea’s now a chef, Kate has a floral design business, Alexandra is THE BEVERLY HILLS MOM, Shemaine has a successful scrapbooking business, Roxanne has an online boutique and now our fashion and jewelry stylist extraordinare! 

So I ask you…do have my shit covered, or what? And these women just make up a handful of my talented friends! I’m one lucky bee-yotch 🙂

Anyway, it’s Awards Season here in Hollywood, and if you are in any way (including 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon) connected to the industry, chances are you have either been to a ceremony of some kind already, or you are gearing up for THE BIG ONE this Sunday night! Such was the case with The Man and me last Sunday night. We attended the Motion Picture Sound Editor’s Guild Awards (aka The Golden Reels). A great networking opportunity to mingle with talented colleagues and marvelous people in general, as well as a helluva an excuse for a much-needed date night (and some even more needed hotel sex). But of course I needed something to wear, and I knew just the hooker to call! Now, without further is what she hooked me up with. And no, the irony of ‘hooked me up’ is not lost on me.

Can I just say how much I LOVE this ensemble?

Can I just say how much I LOVE this ensemble?

Now, to tell you “what I’m wearing”, so you can get the look too 🙂

My dress is by Lavender Brown. You can visit their Facebook page for information on the line, and to see pics of other pieces in their collections. I. LOVE. EVERYTHING. THEY. MAKE.  Gorgeous clothes in beautiful colors and fabrics at reasonable prices. You can’t go wrong here, ladies!

OH…THE JEWELS….. are all by Stella & Dot. If you don’t know Stella & Dot, then shame on you. Consider this an introduction and invitation to get cozy and become obsessed like me. Oh, and I can help you with that, btw… Just click here.

Around my neck, I am wearing the Gitane Tassel Necklace in silver and the Maya Pendant Necklace in labradorite  and on my right wrist is one of favorite pieces….the Bardot Spiral Bracelet in silver….which I wear almost everyday. Even with yoga pants and flip-flops. That’s how much I love it!

Here’s a close-up shot of the fabulous jewels I was dripping in

To die for. All must-haves.

To die for. All must-haves.

Another gorgeous piece I picked up while being styled for the Awards ensemble, and am now wearing with my Maya pendant on a daily basis is the  Interlock Cross Necklace  pictured below, on my very-much-in-need-of-a-spray-tan-neck.

Isn’t it just DIVINE?????


Of course no recap of the evening would be complete without showing you MY BEST ACCESSORY…….

The Man and me in front of the step and repeat. So

The Man and me in front of the step and repeat. So glamorous…lol.

**Oh, and if you were wondering, I didn’t go barefoot. My shoes were nude, leather pumps with a hidden platform by Steve Madden. They are great and all, but hey…I don’t know him personally, and had to pay full price for the kicks. Sadly, no hook ups for this hooker.

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Best Date Night Ever: Halloween Horror Nights

Halloween 2009; My Fancy Nancy with HER Fancy Nancy. I made this costume up, btw, using dress up clothes we had on hand.

Let’s just establish from the git-go that Halloween is my favorite holiday. Save the Turkeys, let Santa retire and put the Easter Bunny on permanent hiatus as far as I’m concerned….but don’t mess around with Halloween. I blame my mama for my ridiculous obsession with this holiday. She was a seamstress, and possessed a burning passion for creating garments for people to dress up in. Sure, she made normal clothes too….but DAMN….THAT WOMAN KNEW HOW TO PUT TOGETHER A COSTUME LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS. One year I was a clown (okay, I’m still a clown), then I was a hobo, the next I was Tweety Bird and when I was in junior high she really stepped up the game….by tea-dyeing about 5 yards of muslin, ripping it into strips and wrapping my entire body up ‘like a mummy”. Of course, I couldn’t piss for several hours, but the costume was effing fantastic. It wasn’t just my mother though. My brothers and sisters got into it too. Although I am the baby of the family by 12 years, they continued to carry on like complete wing nuts every Halloween, perhaps for my benefit, but I really suspect it was for their own enjoyment. One such year, when I was maybe 8 or so, my brother rented a studio grade gorilla costume, and teamed up with my sister, who worked for a local vet in town, known for his love of exotic pets. Dr. Young was also known for being a bit on the eccentric side, and subject to doing things most folks would not dare. Keep in mind, I grew up in a really small town. With that in mind, you can imagine how hilarious it was when my brother, dressed as King Kong decided it would be fun to have my sister and the other vet-tech she worked with drive him around town while he was standing up, appearing to be chained in the bed of Dr.Young’s pickup truck. They drove all over the freaking city…up around the courthouse square…through neighborhoods. EVERYWHERE. Each time they would approach a group of middle or high school aged trick-or-treaters (not little kids, mind you) they would slow down, and my brother would pound his chest and roar, then act like he was ‘breaking free from the chains’ and jump out of the truck into the group of kids. The kids would scream and scatter, understandably….probably wearing dirty underwear. Good times….for the times. Today, he would likely have been shot. Halloween was also a time to go TP yards, shoot random strangers with water guns filled with chocolate syrup, or worse….egg houses. I can remember participating in this kind of prankster activity when I was 6. I thought it was cool, because I was with my 18-year-old sister and her friends. Little did I know, it was also criminal. Thanks, Bug. Anyway, you get the point. These are my people, and Halloween is a big deal.  So it’s only fitting that I carry on family tradition, right? No…I don’t take my kids egging or TP’ing, but we do dress up….elaborately. The picture below is from last year, just before they left to beg for candy from our strangers neighbors:

a tiger, a witch and….a punk rocker?

Ironically though, as much as I LOVE dressing my kids up and going all out, that’s not my favorite part of Halloween anymore. Nope. My favorite part is Halloween season date night with The Man. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. It doesn’t involve kinky sex or role-playing with costumes. We go to Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights every year….without The Beans. For obvious reasons: they are too young. Although, after this past summer, and our participation in the filming of the book trailer for the zombie novel “100 Days of Death”, they might enjoy it now….lol. But I digress. Last year’s annual Halloween Date Night was definitely one for the history books. Even better than the year we ate ‘herbal brownies’ before going in, and were totally paranoid the entire night, thinking the Texas Chainsaws were real. I mean what kind of asshats do THAT? Yeah, us. What can I say…it was our rookie year, and somebody else brought the treats. Anyway….back to Halloween 2011. It started out pretty normal. Except for the fact that we waited until the last-minute to buy our tickets, and missed out on the coveted ‘Front of the Line’ passes, which are worth every extra penny they cost, btw, which is why they SELL OUT. So, there was a fair amount of bitching at the beginning of the night. Still, we were excited, because one of the mazes was ‘Scream 4’ and The Man had just finished mixing the post-sound for it, and wore his crew t-shirt on our date. Very appropriate, attire I thought, although he paired it with some jeans that had a small hole near the pocket in the back. To be fair, I pointed out the hole before we left, and suggested he change his pants, but he ignored me, naturally. Turned out, the tee-shirt was a conversation piece that set the night in motion, and wearing those holey jeans happened to be a stellar decision as well. We were on the escalator going to the lower level, and happened to strike up a conversation with a couple of ladies in front of us, when they inquired about The Man’s shirt. See? Great wardrobe choice. As luck would have it, they were staff make-up artists going from maze to maze checking on the actors and doing touch-ups as needed. We remarked about missing out on the front of the line passes, and how brutally long the lines were, and they offered to take us with them through the maze they were headed for. They got to cut the line, because they worked there, and we just happened to be at the right place at the right time. Now, let me tell you….despite the fact that he works on movies for a living, and knows it’s all costumes, make-up and sound….the characters at HHN scare the crap out of The Man. Every effing year. Me…not so much, as I have nerves of steel. Nonetheless, we truck along with our new BFF’s, and head into ‘Alice Cooper’. Little did we know one of the girls was dating the guy who worked the door to the maze, and she called ahead and told him to have the actors pay special attention to us. And holy shit snacks, did they ever take those instructions seriously. Within the first few minutes of being in the maze, one of the characters jumped out practically on top of us, The Man fell back into me (because I always make him go in first & use him as a shield), scrambled to get away, almost ditched me and did his dead level best to run like hell through the remainder of the maze, with our 2 escorts laughing hysterically. I was laughing too, of course, because when my husband gets spooked, it’s the best show on Earth. But oh…the fun didn’t stop there. Once we got to ‘safety’ outside the maze, I noticed that in the scuffle, the tiny little hole in the back of The Man’s jeans had grown by epic proportions…..

yes. it's exactly what it looks like

yes. it’s exactly what it looks like

Yes, ladies and gentlemen….The Man busted the ass out of his jeans trying to get away from a ‘monster’. And I wet mine laughing at him. Best. Date Night. EVER. Universal Halloween Horror Nights 2011. Needless to say, the girls got such delight in watching The Man get the shit scared out of him in the first maze, they took us with them through every single one, even with The Man’s underwear showing. So we essentially got the Front of the Line Passes…..for free. Sometimes, we live a charmed life when it comes to shit like that. Hoping we get that lucky again this year 🙂

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Word of the day: DANK

By definition, in the old school dictionary, this word means:

“disagreeably damp or humid; chilly; moist; clammy.”

However, The Man and I were presented with a different definition entirely, last evening, at the end of our adventure. While riding the elevator up to our hotel room after seeing The Dave Matthews Band in concert in Irvine, a guy sharing the ride with us says “Man, is that you two? Are you really that DANK?” Shocked, The Man replies “What?!!!” And the other guy says, “You smell like you smoke a lot of weed.” I started laughing, and as we walked out of the elevator, said “Um….no. We just came from the DMB show.”

So, we now know that DANK in that context, is, according to the Urban Dictionary an expression frequently used by stoners and hippies for something of high quality.”  Score one for Team Mom & Dad….lol 🙂

That was just the END of the night though. We learned a few other things along the way. Mind you, this was not our first DMB show. We are huge fans; me much more so that The Man, as I have been following Dave since I was in college, over a decade ago. Wait…did I just admit that out loud? Oops. Anyway, it had been a long time since we had been to THAT venue.

Here are a few useful tips we gathered, like the crumbs left for Hansel & Gretel. Make note, they may come in handy when you decide to have a concert date night, and relive your younger years. LOL.

1. If you stay at a hotel, make sure it’s within reasonable walking distance to the venue.

2. If your hotel is not within walking distance, DO NOT take a cab to the concert. Just accept that you can’t imbibe in any spirits, suck it up, and drive.

3. The old sports injuries involving your knees and feet, will flare up under the strain of excessive walking. Guaranteed.

4. The other 85,000 people who are also waiting for a cab at midnight in the middle of nowhere, couldn’t care less that you are limping. Every man for himself.

5.  Offering to pay triple for a cab that someone else called for a pick up doesn’t work. Cabbies are surprisingly loyal.

6. Expect to be told how “dank” you smell after the show, if you have been surrounded by many hippies lost in their happy place. Don’t looked shocked, because that instantly makes you very uncool.

7. Don’t spend the extra money per ticket for entrance into the “VIP lounge” if it’s optional. The drinks are not complimentary, but rather, more expensive, and the catering sucks. Big time.

8. It IS possible to ruin lo mein noodles, and transform them into something resembling a spear that could be used as a deadly weapon. I realized this while eating in the “VIP Lounge”. Yuck.

9. If you have given birth more than once, carry extra undies. No matter what, if you have to pee so bad you are crossing your legs and hopping up and down, the lines to ALL the restrooms will be wrapped around the building. At that point, there are 3 acceptable options: say a prayer, find a bush or wet your pants. (I went with the 4th, usually unthinkable option: have your husband block the door to the men’s room, cover your eyes while passing the urinals, and head straight for the empty stall. I was in and out in less than a minute. True story.

10. You know John Mayer’s career is officially over when venue employees are trying to sell tickets to an upcoming show for $20, and nobody bites. Everyone was more interested in the free “Colgate Wisps” being handed out.

Hope you had as much fun reading this as I did living it. Got another show at the Hollywood Bowl tomorrow night, so stay tuned!!!



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