Signs

redbird

Well.

Here I am again. My apologies for the silence. I just needed to catch up on all the things on my plate right now, despite the glaring fact that I am not the least bit hungry or eager to digest any of them.

But thou shalt not dwell, right? (I’m thinking this might need to be a Commandment, since it is rather profound.)

Anyway, I’m back. I had every intention of posting about something else entirely, then I received a message…actually 2…and my focus shifted. The first message was from my sister, via a story she told me many years ago, but just recently put down into words; the other, was…well…from God.

For a minute here, I’m going to talk about a blessing. My sister, Shane Jackson.  Her strength astounds me, and her faith is unshakeable. Throughout my life, she has been my protector. Quite honestly, if not for her return to Alabama back in 1980, after fleeing a horribly abusive marriage and bringing along her very own firstborn, just 6 weeks old, there is a good chance I might not be alive today. I was 8 years old. For now, I’ll leave the details for another post, but I can say with certainty that she saved my life then, and she hasn’t stopped since. The two of us have…let’s just say…weathered many a storm, and seen things nobody should have to. And, if the past few years are any indication, we are right in the eye of a hurricane, hunkering down, hoping and praying for it to pass. Again. But I digress. Besides being a Rock of Gibraltar in human form, she is also a gifted and talented writer of poetry, fiction, inspirational words, etc. You name it, and she can perfectly put it into words, even when one might believe there were none to describe it.

Here is the story. All true words. Enjoy.

The Story of the Redbirds 

When my father died, I was devastated. He was my best friend, my protector. Everything that happened in my life he knew about. After the funeral I crawled into my mother’s lap and stared for a while. She never questioned me; never said a word,  but rather held me as if I was an infant. After a month had passed, I was home with my children, cleaning dishes while talking to my mother on the phone. All of the sudden two redbirds appeared at my breakfast room window. They were pecking and making noise. I moved over to the sink and they followed me. I told Mother I would have to call her back and I ran upstairs to get the video camera. When I got to my bedroom, there they were at the upper level windows pecking, just as if they were trying to tell me something. By this time I was freaked out. I began videoing them. I ran back down to call Mother and they followed me back to the kitchen window. I was so weirded out, I was almost yelling on the phone. Mother sat  there until I finished and then said,  “You’ve never heard the story on the redbirds”? “No”, I said. She began to tell me how redbirds come into your life when you’ve lost someone you love. They represent them and bring good will and joy back into your heart. They are there to let you know everything will be alright and life is turning around for your heart.

Several months later, I lost my mother. We moved from Persimmon Tree road to Sugar Creek. I was done. Crushed at the loss of my mother. She was my everthing. Both my mother and my father were the world to me, as well as to everybody else. There was no bringing me back from this one. I was surviving, not living. I tried to keep a good face for my children and my husband but honestly, I didn’t want to breathe. One day I was home and cleaning, as usal. I walked out to the pool to set some chemicals down and took my seat, positioning myself to look out over the land and just meditate. There was a white fence surrounding the pool on one side. I hear this screetch and turn. There they were, Three redbirds perched on the fence together and looking dead center to my soul. Three, you ask? Yes. We lost Andy’s father first, my father just months later and after 18 more months, my mother. When we moved to Village Lane they followed…the three. They remained there for our duration on the Lane.  Yet again we have relocated, and I believed they were gone for good. However, I’m here five months later and I am happy to say, some very verbal sweet precious redbirds have found me.

I now know…I’m going to be okay.

~~Shane Jackson 

As I mentioned earlier, I received another message too. From God. He knows what He did, and I’ll keep it a blessed secret, and only say “I hear you loud and clear, and I know you are watching over me. Thank you.”

I now know…I’m going to be okay, too.

**For the inquiring minds, who want to know: Does it involve another bundle of joy with ten fingers and ten toes, I can say with absolute certainty…..NO!!!

Again…Really?! You have to be joking.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

“God won’t put more on you than you can carry at one time.” 

I know how the sayings go. Really, I do. However, I have been experiencing a big “WTF, God?” moment all day long, as I hear that my home state of Alabama….my very own small, hometown of Athens…is being ravaged by tornadoes yet again. For the second time in less than a year. Haven’t these people, MY PEOPLE, suffered enough???!!!

About an hour ago, I found out a dear friend of mine, whom I cheered with from 7th grade on through high school, lost her home and all her possessions. Fortunately, she and her husband escaped with their lives. Barely. ‘Things’ can be replaced; lives cannot. They lived in a community that was hit last April 27th, by a twister categorized as an F5. That tornado was the first one on record the National Weather Service had ever given an F5 rating to. Just seems so unfair that she and her family, as well as so many others are in harm’s way yet again. Why must people with so little to lose…..lose?

WTF???? I know there has to be a plan here, put in place by divine powers. Right now though….I just don’t see it. Please, help me see it.

Last year, I was honored to be able to help organize a massive relief effort, California for Alabama, to help those affected by devastating tornadoes. I would love to do the same now, but it just seems impossible. Especially given the state of the economy. So many people don’t have enough for themselves. How can they possibly give to others? My own family is experiencing difficulty, yet I find myself wondering what I can do. My plate is filled to capacity and ready to topple over under the weight of my own reality, but as bleak as it appears, my slice of poop pie pales in comparison to what friends and family back home are feeling. There is only one commonality: heartbreak.

I had planned to write a post this evening that would make everyone laugh. About something obviously so trivial that I can’t even remember it now. Seriously. Perspective intervened.

Maybe that was the plan all along.

If you read this, and would like to somehow help the people in Alabama, leave a comment with your email address, and I will see to it that your kindness is directed down the right path. Promise.

xo,

N

Hoops and hurdles

never be afraid to let your feelings flow

Confession time.

Last night, I did something unabashedly selfish, and I am not the slightest bit ashamed to admit it. After helping with homework (times 3), cooking dinner, feeding The Beans, washing tiny bodies with lots of long hair, and making sure all little people were situated on the couch with a bowl of their favorite ice cream…..I vanished.

For a whole 45 minutes.

This is how it went down…

I grabbed my yoga mat, headed into our guest room, and closed the door. Yes, I considered locking it, but figured there was no point, because as I suspected, everyone who even gave a shit about where I might be, was eating ice cream. Then I used $1.29 from an iTunes card that belongs to Sugar Bean, and downloaded “I’m Alive” by Kenny Chesney (with Dave Matthews) to my iPhone. Once it was done, I jammed some headphones into my ears, set the song to repeat and hit play. Instantly, the world stood still. I was whisked away, and dropped right into my idea of Heaven. Left with nothing but my thoughts and music as therapy. Finally, I sat down on the mat, closed my eyes, lost myself in the lyrics and just breathed. And stretched. My entire body, part by part. The reason I say ‘part by part’ is because I not only stretched my physical limbs, but also my emotional ones. The inner most muscles and particles that you can only reach in moments of desperation, despair or heartbreak. The ones you should stretch all the time, but you can’t. Because it’s too painful.

Yeah. Those ones. 

Of course,  I was brought to tears. Silent, soul-shaking sobs in fact. I realize  I’ve been doing a lot of crying lately, but I know it’s not because I am weak; but rather because I have been strong for too damn long. My life has been a series of hoops and hurdles. I jump through a few hoops, earn a brief water break, hang my head and catch my breath, only to look up and face a long track full of hurdles to jump over, one by one. Honestly, I’m convinced I’ve lived at least two past lives: one as a circus dog, and the other as an Olympic hurdler. The skills are coming in handy, as I’ve become quite adept at hooping and hurdling. Dare I say, mastered the technique. What else would you expect from a perfectionistic Capricorn though? Maybe that’s why this path has been chosen for me. It makes for a good show! Thanks, God. Really. I mean it. Being good at something is a blessing, after all, and I’m good at two things….TWO! Yay me!  God, I know you are laughing, and it’s okay. My life is tragically funny.

Anyway, I came to a couple of conclusions last night. One, is that I don’t know rabbit turds from jellybeans about the proper way to do yoga. However, if what I did is even close to the real thing…..I am soooo in. Sign me up, baby! Best 45 minutes I’ve ever stolen for myself. Second, I am done hooping and hurdling  for other people who have no interest in helping themselves. From now on, this is my 3 ring circus/course, and unless the obstacle has a positive impact on my life, or the small people I brought into the world, I’m not bothering with it. This doesn’t mean I will stop helping people when they need it. I am a nurturer by nature. But there will be a catch. They must help me help them. Period. Otherwise, they can jump inside their own hoop and shimmy ’til they drop. And their hurdles? I know how to walk around those. Why this change of heart, you ask? Because 34 years is a really long time to hoop and hurdle.

And I’m exhausted. Plus….it makes me feel like this, when I do it too much. 

Okay, I’ve rambled long enough, and was just reminded of a hoop I have to jump through in about an hour and a half, so I’ll wrap it up here. In case you aren’t familiar with the incredibly soulful and inspirational song I listened to at least 20 times last night while vanishing from my life for 45 minutes…..I’ll leave you with the lyrics. Here they are:

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me, I’d like to thank my lucky stars
That I’m alive and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin’ in and out’s a blessing, can’t you see?
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive and well
I’m alive and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul when there’s not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out’s a blessing, can’t you see?
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive and well
Yeah, I’m alive and well

~Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews

Breathe in, breathe out. Be well.

 

M. This one’s for you.

Pretty much sums up my personality.

Pretty much sums up my personality.

Seriously.

It’s also precisely why I try not to engage in conversations about religion, politics or parenting, with family, friends, friends of friends, potential friends….oh hell…even perfect strangers for that matter. It just doesn’t pay off. For me.

I will, however, argue over just about anything else. For example, this. For as long as it takes to win. Or beat my opponent down.

Or I turn blue in the face while correcting their grammar to save face.

Or both.

I realize this is not a redeeming quality, and often leads to the silent treatment for hours at a time from The Man, and The Oldest Girl. Who, btw, is just like me. A formidable opponent, if only she had the years of life experience I have up on her.  Wait, did I just put THAT out into the universe? Crap.

Anyway, this talk of arguing brings me to my second post about blessings. My first was about one of my besties, Grace. Who, btw, gave birth to a perfect baby boy named  Ayden, 19 days ago. Mama and baby are doing marvelously. I am thanking God for that, and for the fact that he is a HE, because do we ever need some blue up in here to balance out all this pink 🙂

So.

This blessing post is dedicated to my sweet friend Marilynn. You can visit her blog here. She’s amazing. And just became even (to quote my Youngest Girl) “amazing-er”, recently. I’d tell you why, but it’s not my story to tell. So you’ll just need to follow her blog and see what happens, I guess. So there.

Right about now you are probably wondering how on earth I’m going to tie this into my love for arguing, aren’t you?  The thing is, I met Marilynn 5 years ago, via a cyber argument on a now defunct parenting site called CityMommy. Oh how I miss CM!  The topic? Spanking. The mother of all, “do not comment on” topics you might see on an open discussion forum on a parenting site. Yep. I swallowed the bait….hook, line and sinker. No. That’s wrong. I actually ate the pole, come to think of it.

Maybe even the boat, too.

Of course, this was before I decided never to engage in conversations about parenting. In fact, it was the very first time I ever had, on the first parenting site I had ever joined. Call it a rookie mistake. Yes, that’s it.  And, although I, metaphorically speaking, got my ass chewed out while doing so, I made quite a few friends in the process. Still have most of them to this day. Shocking isn’t it?  By now, you’ve figured out where I stood on the topic, haven’t you? I should add that being the opinionated Capricorn I am, I argue with organization, efficiency, and grace. Especially from behind a computer screen. No, I don’t hide behind it. What you read is what you get, and I have no problem saying it to your face. Period.

Anyway, the debate on CM lasted several days and resulted in me inviting a relative stranger to travel halfway around the world to stay with me and my family in our house, so I could gather up all the participating CM’s in Los Angeles and throw a party in her honor. My sister who lives in Alabama was also involved in this shindig, but that’s another blessing story altogether, and I have to work up to it. Might be a novel all by itself.

So, now we are back to Marilynn, and why she is a blessing in my life.

Quite honestly, she is one of the reasons you are reading this blog at all. She’s a physically stunning, wise woman, phenomenal mother, gifted educator, published author and experienced mommy blogger. In other words, she wears many hats and knows the ropes. The ones I’m up against daily. Except for the whole physically stunning/published author part, because I look like a tiny, gray-rooted troll in worn out yoga pants on a good day. And the only thing I’ve published is this blog.

At any rate, I asked for her help, and she started spewing advice left and right. She explained why I didn’t have any followers, despite the fact that I started the blog over a year ago on a different site. “That’s more of a visual blog site. Not one for content heavy bloggers like us,” she said, matter of factly.  Then, she sent me a link on how to move the blog to WordPress. And here I am. Honestly, if word gets around, and I become known in the blogging world as a force to be reckoned with….WordPress owes her, big time. What I will owe her, goes without saying, of course.

Marilynn and I are two women from completely opposite sides of the world, with radically different ideas about parenting and motherhood, who bonded over the common ground of an argument and developed a glorious friendship in the years following. How about that? She even taught me how to Skype! Once that got going, we chatted at least once a week for very long periods of time. That is how we truly became friends, and discovered we had quite a bit in common, despite our divides. Obviously what everyone says is true. The more you talk to someone, the better you know them. Lines of communication really are essential. Keep them open, even if they are lines of disagreement.

And if you lose the connection? Call back. It’s usually worth the time.

Over the past year or so, Marilynn and I stopped making time to chat. Or maybe just I did. My life got really mucky and all up in the way, and I decided to hide. Recently, I’ve come out of hiding and she was right there, waiting on me, and our conversation picked up just where it left off. Easy and comfortable, between two old friends.  Want to know the best part? She’s really attentive, and listens when she knows I need her to, and then says all the right things after I’m done rambling.

That’s the real blessing.

And M….You just have no idea the can of worms you have opened.  Thanks for that 🙂

xo,

N

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