I need a nurse…STAT!

Looks like it might hurt, huh?

Living out here in the land of ‘pretty much anything goes because it’s Hollywood’, I witness all sorts of things. It’s only on rare occasions when I’m an insider, instead of a spectator. Well, lucky you…because this past weekend, I was all up in the insanity, and it made for a very…um…colorful story, to say the least.

First you should know it involved the part-time writing gig I have (yes..the one I got because of this one) which I normally do from home, in my pajamas, while answering online reservation requests for a very upscale club in Hollywood. Rarely do I have to go in. To be honest, I have never actually been asked to come in, but being the Type A, overachiever I am, I believe it’s important to pop in from time to time and do a bit of ‘Vip customer public relations’ (i.e. meeting the people face to face that I book bottle service for, and normally only deal with via email, to make sure they are getting drunk having a good time). And because our huge Halloween parties were happening this weekend, I believed it was crucial that I pop in and say “Hi”, or at the very least laugh at people’s costumes as well as the debauchery sure to happen at a kick-ass Hollywood Halloween Extravaganza.  The only catch was, I had to wear a costume in keeping with the theme, which revolved around an insane asylum. Fitting, right? Because we all know there are a bunch of crazies in Hollyweird. Anyway, the costume requirement boiled down to….‘Naughty Nurse’. Yeah, those risqué costumes that every male patient on the face of the planet wishes his girlfriend, wife, nurse would come through the door wearing. Yes, I have pictures. You will never see them. Get over it 🙂

So….Friday night was pretty benign. Nothing too exciting happened. Started off the evening downstairs in the office processing reservation requests on the computer (yes, I know. I could have done that from home). After I was done, I went upstairs, and just stood at the front door of the club looking like a 40 something, Nurse Ratchet in a costume that belonged on Nurse Anita Lay, surrounded by all the gorgeous 20-somethings who also work there, and SHOULD wear those kinds of costumes 24/7. It was definitely motivation for me to get my ass to a gym….STAT. Mostly, I greeted people as they came in, and laughed hysterically at their costumes. All in all, an easy fun time.

BUT BOY OH EFFING BOY…..Saturday made up for it, by leaps and bounds. It was a freaking doozy!!! Not sure if it was because my costume was smaller, making me look like a trampy ballerina nurse (I had on a tutu), or if the crowd was just completely CRAZY BALLS, but this is what happened:

The Man was with me, which turned out to be a blessing. Otherwise, I would have been much more frazzled than I was after the shit show I got caught up in.

Now, let me set the scene here…..when you walk into the club, there is a huge outdoor courtyard, with 2 long reflecting pools. One has a fireplace in the middle of it, and the other has a GIANT, vine-covered swing erected above it, with a round ottoman anchored in the pool in front and back of the swing. They hired an actress on Saturday,  to dress up like a creepy looking little girl, and swing on the swing. Well, she decided she needed a break, and left the swing unattended. I was out front, greeting folks again, and The Man texted me and said “I NEED HELP AT THE SWING. PLEASE COME IN HERE.”  So off I go. I rounded the corner only to see a gaggle of drunk, Harajuku girls dressed in nothing but lingerie (since when is this a costume?) trying to climb onto the swing, in the absence of the swinger who had vanished. The Man, dressed like he just walked off the set of ‘Men In Black’ was explaining to them that “no he wasn’t an employee, but he knew they weren’t allowed on it”, in his best, unofficial security guard voice. Now, I knew if these pop-tarts got hurt on the swing it would be a liability, and having the best interest of the club at heart..guess what I did? I got up there to keep them off it. BIG MISTAKE. That just prompted one of the most scantily clad one of the lot to climb onto the ottoman in front of me, and writhe around like a skanky stripper, facing me and opening her legs spread eagle, giving me a very vivid crotch shot, every time I swung forward. OH JOY! I was trapped on the swing for FORTY FIVE MINUTES, and adding insult to injury, all her flockies whipped out their smart phones and started taking photos, and no doubt, video….which has probably already made it on to YouTube. Yippee effing skippy!

Anyway, if the girl whose job it was to swing, hadn’t shown up when she did, to take over again….I had made up my mind that I was going to put my legs straight out and knock Hello Kitty off the ottoman and into the reflecting pool with a swift, go-go booted heel to the forehead. Even though, she kept saying ‘you so hot’, non-stop. No compliment is worth that kind of torture. Seriously.

The Man and I ended up leaving right after this happened, because despite my stone-cold sober state, once I got off the swing….I was ready to vomit. Good times, people.  Good times. But I am clearly too old for this shit.

And now for the photos. What? You thought I wasn’t going to post any didn’t you?

This was Friday night’s uniform. Of course, this is NOT ME. Mine looked just like this one though…minus the hot girl in it. Oh, and I wore a bra.

Image compliments of SpicyLingerieStore.com

Now, this was the costume that apparently caused all the havoc on Saturday. Again, NOT ME in this photo. Plus, I wore a red tutu, instead of this skirt, and paired it with red fish nets and white go-go boots. But you get the idea, right?

Image compliments of SpicyLingerieStore.com


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  1. OMG! Just when you think all the good stories happen during your college years! After I was done laughing I became extremely jealous…you were able to wear costume #2 after having children?! Lucky Bitch! My abs haven’t seen the light since having a 10lb 4oz baby. Wahhhh

    • Well, I wore it….but I didnt’ have the guts to post a pic. Although, I’m certain that gaggle of wannabe paparazzi posted one somewhere. I shudder at the thought….

  2. Hee hee hee. I still can’t believe you sat on that swing for all of that time! And in that outfit – ha! The Man must’ve secretly been loving it – ha!!!

    I would’ve totally been sick too. Swings always made me a bit queasy, but I could still go on them as a kid. But this summer I went on one briefly and thought i was going to yak. What is UP with that?

    So glad it all worked out in the end! And can’t wait for more stories like this one!!!


  3. Hey, just be happy that you look hot and can work at da club!! I’ve seen some that could haunt houses… for a living! XO

    • Well, thanks for the compliment 🙂 And believe me…there were a few patrons who breezed in, clearly in need of the Costume Police to ticket them for their attire. By the way, how is project “Orange Cone” going so far?

  4. Friggin hilarious! Especially the swing where you were going to knock out hello kitty with your go-go boots!

    Just so you know you look better in those costumes then the actual models! Girl you are hot!


  1. […] (write) landed me a real writing gig, that I thoroughly enjoy. You can read a little about that here. And thus, I proved myself rather resourceful in the eyes of The Beans. Of course I do that in […]

  2. […] 2. Skanky stripper. Really. Me? Awe, thanks….NOT! I do have my suspicions on how this one cut a path straight to me though. Definitely an adventure, but it didn’t involve me stripping. (sorry guys). Anyway, you can read about it here.  […]

Give it to me straight. I can take it :-)

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