It’s Friday…For Real: Episode 3

I’m BAAAACK….and woo-hoo, do I have something special for y’all!  This little gem will make your kiddos think you’re the mommyquivalent of David Blaine. Guaranteed. And if you don’t have Beans of your own, then it’s a cool way to impress your friends. Or hustle money from folks at a bar who will swear ‘it can’t be done’ when you describe what you have planned. I’ll give you ONE hint: I learned  how to do this while I was in college, watching Mr. Wizard (remember him?) when I should have been studying for finals. Curious now? GREAT! Here’s…..

It’s Friday…For Real!

 

 

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I’ve got major mommy skills….or not.

Okay, I’m digging in the archives to bring you a list of reasons why I should be Mom of the Year. Or, perhaps have DCFS called on me for a series of Epic Parenting Fails, depending on your perspective–and sense of humor.

And also because I have a bit of writer’s block. Personally, I think this whole middle-aged thing is to blame.

This was originally featured over on Mom of the Year, back in May, but I wanted to share it again here, in case anyone missed it! And of course because I think Meredith is the bestest and deserves a shout-out 🙂  

 

Unlike the other Moms of the Year, I wasn’t invited to the party ….I ASKED to be included. Fortunately, Meredith–the genius behind this collection of kick-ass moms– decided I was cool enough. Or else she thought, ‘Wow, this gal is from the South? Seems like her manners have been replaced with giant, Hollywood-sized balls’ and that intimidated her enough to let me in the club. Whatever. I’ve got the prize.

Hell to the Yeah!!

hell to the yeah!

 

Now I need to tell y’all why I think I deserve it. I’m the youngest of 7 kids, so you get 7 reasons: 

1. I discovered I was preggo after an 8 day vacay to the Sundance Festival, followed by Super Bowl weekend in Vegas in 1999, with my then boyfriend-now husband, The Man. Ironically, I was on BCP’s, and my cycle had always been like clockwork. However, upon our return from a glorious 10 day stint filled with lots of partying like celebrities and rock stars (and some tumbling down snow laden hills with a board strapped to my feet) I realized I was LATE. Took a test: Positive. Went to the doctor: 5 Weeks Positive. So, clearly I was Mom of THAT Year. Mostly because I had been pregnant the entire time we were there, but didn’t know it….and Sugar Bean survived it all, making her healthy entrance into the world 8 months later. Cart before the horse? Check. But hey, when in Hollywood…. 

2. Now, I must preface this one by saying The Man is an eighth Mexican, and I’m part Cherokee Indian, so we are not pale people. Therefore, Sugar Bean has beautiful olive-toned skin as a result–a natural, year-round tan. So imagine my surprise when I took her in to the pediatrician for a check-up around 10 months old, and the doc asked about her eating habits. “Does she eat green veggies?” “Yes,” I replied, “but she prefers orange and yellow ones”. “I can see that,” she remarked. “What do you mean?” I said, puzzled. “Nancy…look at your child. She’s ORANGE. She has beta-carotenemia. Make her eat more greens before you have to change your last name to Oompa Loompa.” The only thing missing from the doc’s response is the word ‘DIPSHIT’ at the end, because that’s what I felt like. Clearly this is Mom of the Year moment #2. 

3. In June 2007, just days after moving into a gated community, I found my 3-year-old Butter Bean playing in the backyard. Buck nekid. Despite my suspicion our neighbors might think The Clampetts had moved in, I just let her be. For all they knew, we were nudists. What’s worse is, she was apparently in a phase.…and preferred being naked, to wearing clothes. I decided not to fight it, and she played naked in the yard all summer. Can’t really say I blamed her…we lived in the Valley, which if you know anything about Los Angeles….is hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in the summer. So, allowing nakedness makes me Mom of the Year. I did remember to apply sunscreen each day, in case you were thinking I deserved WORST Mom of the Year. 

4. When Sweet Pea was 3, she accompanied me to do some “day of” birthday shopping for my then, 9 year-old Sugar Bean. While standing in line at Justice, she announced she needed to potty. There were 2 women in line ahead of me, 3 in line behind me, and I had an armload of stuff I couldn’t just abandon to go in search of a mall bathroom, as I was short on time anyway and wouldn’t be able to come back. So I explained to the Tart-in-Charge, that she was currently potty-training, and couldn’t hold it, asking if they had a bathroom she could use. No. Employees only. Upon hearing that, Sweet Pea unleashed a flood and peed in the floor, as we continued to wait in line to pay. I had a few choice words for the cashier as she rung me up, and stared like a deer in headlights. Oh, and the women behind me applauded my Mom of the Year skills as I walked out.  

5. As if we moms need anything else to make a big deal out of for our children, I came up with a whole new holiday deliverer of treats….The Valentine Fairy. She brings gift bags of goodies and small presents for The Beans to wake up to on Valentine’s morning. Sometimes she even leaves a trail of glitter from their bags to the window, depending on whether I want to clean the shit up or not. Of course, in their eyes, it makes me Mom of the Year, while in the eyes of the moms of their friends who inevitably know she visits our house…..I’m more like Overachieving Bitch of the Year. But that’s okay, because it’s the only area I don’t slack in. Besides, it sets the bar very high for their future loves, because they will have always been celebrated on the one day of the year designed to be dedicated to love. Gag, right?

6. Mom of the Year reason number 6 can be directly attributed to the fact that on every birthday in our household, we eat cake for breakfast. School day, weekend day, holiday….doesn’t matter. If it’s your birthday, you get dragged out of bed at 6am and have cake for breakfast. Or pie. Your choice. And you must endure having your early morning party documented with photos showing you looking EXACTLY like you do when you wake up. No primping allowed. Feel free to steal this awesome tradition and practice it in your own family. I stole the idea from my friend Sarah. 

7. I allow Candy Saturdays in our house. What’s that, you ask? No sugar AT ALL during the week, but The Beans can have as much as they want on Saturday. The word “NO”, as it relates to candy, is not uttered on Saturday in our family. It’s my way of making sure they gorge themselves almost to the point of sickness that day, so I don’t have to deal with the begging eyes, requests or tantrums in line at Target while they are standing by the candy displays. So far, it’s worked like a charm. They even FORGET about it from time to time, so they go several weeks without sugar. Oh, and our dentist….she thinks I’m a freaking hero! Or….Mom of the Year!

If this made you laugh, please leave a comment and let me know! And if you have moments like these to share….feel free!

I LOVE to know I’m not alone 🙂

 

CalibamaMOM of the Year!!!

So…today I am being featured over on Mom of the Year!!!

The Mom of the Year

Oh, I know you must be thinking…“WTF? Why on earth would sweet Meredith allow that?”

Could be that I bullied her into it…or she finds my blog strangely appealing…OR perhaps she has a soft spot in her heart for moms who accidentally lock their toddlers in the car and have to call AAA. At this point…it’s a TOTAL MYSTERY.

Only ONE way to find out, huh?

It’s okay….go there

NOW!

(and then come right back, k?)

xo,
Nancy

Top 10 Phrases The Beans Say Contributing to My Insanity

I.Dare.You.

Everybody has pet peeves. You know, the stuff other people do that drives them batty. If by chance you are shaking your head ‘no’ and nothing bothers you, then I want both the name of the doctor you are seeing and the medication he has you on. What? You think I’m joking? Get me that info….STAT. 

Oh and unless you gave birth to rosy-cheeked, angelic and chubby, winged creatures, chances are your kids are the masters at pushing your peevy buttons. I know mine are. Experts at their craft, I tell you. Since boarding school is out of my price range  I love them more than life itself, I decided today was the day to bitch about it  by making a list of the almost daily, verbal annoyances they utter in their multi-layered plot to drive me over the edge. Here goes….

Top 10 Phrases The Beans Say (almost) Everyday,

Contributing to My Insanity

 

10. Did you wash my _________? 

This is generally in reference to P.E. clothes, and blurted out moments before we are heading to school on Monday morning. They had ALL WEEKEND to make sure this happened, and yet….they wait until the last possible second. Inevitably I end up frantically washing, drying and delivering them to the school in record time, totally screwing up my morning. I mean, God forbid she has to borrow some from the loaner bin for ONE freaking day! Oh, the horror!

9. Can I have _________? 

This could be a request for anything from a new toy or a new pet, to much larger things like….a trampoline. None of which are needed.

8. Mama, where’s my _______? 

Well, how am I supposed to know? It doesn’t belong to me. Did you look for it? NO. You asked me because I have a built-in GPS called a uterus. Oh, and this one doesn’t just come from The Beans. The Man joins the party on this one as well. Oh joy! 

7. But _______’s mom/dad let’s him/her do it. 

Well good for them! Too bad they aren’t your parents. Wanna see if they’ll adopt you? No. Okay…moving on then.

6. I can’t find a pencil. 

This might be the one that sends me to the asylum, since it comes out of Sweet Pea’s or Butter Bean’s mouth every day. No lie. And I have bought every kind of pencil there is…Ticonderogas, mechanical ones, sparkly ones….you name them, and we’ve owned them. I even sharpen them and put them in the designated spot. And yet….there is never one around come homework time. There has to be a pencil-eating monster living in my house, and I’ll bet he was invited by the little bastard troll who eats socks in the dryer. That’s the only explanation.

5. Will you bring me some ________? 

Last time I checked, every child I birthed has a working pair of legs. So wtf is this about? Always when I am busy doing something important only to me–blogging, Facebooking, Twittering, reading–or worse, after I have already settled into bed for the night. *Sigh*

4. Are we going somewhere fun today? 

This is mainly on the weekends, and stems from the fact that The Man and I have created tiny beings who constantly need to be entertained. Our attempts at being crowned “Mom & Dad of the Millenium” clearly biting me/us right square in the ass. Oh well, at least I can admit it, right? And that’s the first step towards recovery if I’m not mistaken. “Hello, my name is Nancy….”

3. Mama, _______ is _________!! 

Tattle-taling is the bane of my existence. Unless whatever is happening is a violent attempt to end your life, work it out. You are not snitches-in-training. Simply denying you a toy you had no interest in before she picked it up, does not constitute an emergency. When blood is drawn, someone is unconscious or the house is on fire…..tattle. Otherwise, build a bridge and get the eff over it!

2. I’m bored. 

Never fails. Everyday, this comes out of every small mouth in the house. Repeatedly. How on earth can this even be in their realm of thinking? They have every electronic gadget known to man, enough books to fill a library, art supplies out the wazoo, scooters, bikes, roller skates….even a dang POGO STICK!! And we live within walking distance of a park. How can they be bored??????

And the NUMBER ONE PHRASE THAT BUGS THE PISS OUT OF ME…

1. I’m hungry. 

All. the. time. I could have just returned from the mother of all grocery store shopping extravaganzas and inevitably, one of them will open the fridge and say “I’m hungry, and there’s nothing to eat.”  The Man also frequently dumps gasoline on this fire too.

WTF?? I quit. 

 

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If I made you laugh, please click the banner below to vote for me on topmommyblogs.com!

There’s no need to be shy – you can vote for me once a day!

THANKS SO MUCH…Y’ALL ROCK!

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