I’ve got major mommy skills….or not.

Okay, I’m digging in the archives to bring you a list of reasons why I should be Mom of the Year. Or, perhaps have DCFS called on me for a series of Epic Parenting Fails, depending on your perspective–and sense of humor.

And also because I have a bit of writer’s block. Personally, I think this whole middle-aged thing is to blame.

This was originally featured over on Mom of the Year, back in May, but I wanted to share it again here, in case anyone missed it! And of course because I think Meredith is the bestest and deserves a shout-out 🙂  

 

Unlike the other Moms of the Year, I wasn’t invited to the party ….I ASKED to be included. Fortunately, Meredith–the genius behind this collection of kick-ass moms– decided I was cool enough. Or else she thought, ‘Wow, this gal is from the South? Seems like her manners have been replaced with giant, Hollywood-sized balls’ and that intimidated her enough to let me in the club. Whatever. I’ve got the prize.

Hell to the Yeah!!

hell to the yeah!

 

Now I need to tell y’all why I think I deserve it. I’m the youngest of 7 kids, so you get 7 reasons: 

1. I discovered I was preggo after an 8 day vacay to the Sundance Festival, followed by Super Bowl weekend in Vegas in 1999, with my then boyfriend-now husband, The Man. Ironically, I was on BCP’s, and my cycle had always been like clockwork. However, upon our return from a glorious 10 day stint filled with lots of partying like celebrities and rock stars (and some tumbling down snow laden hills with a board strapped to my feet) I realized I was LATE. Took a test: Positive. Went to the doctor: 5 Weeks Positive. So, clearly I was Mom of THAT Year. Mostly because I had been pregnant the entire time we were there, but didn’t know it….and Sugar Bean survived it all, making her healthy entrance into the world 8 months later. Cart before the horse? Check. But hey, when in Hollywood…. 

2. Now, I must preface this one by saying The Man is an eighth Mexican, and I’m part Cherokee Indian, so we are not pale people. Therefore, Sugar Bean has beautiful olive-toned skin as a result–a natural, year-round tan. So imagine my surprise when I took her in to the pediatrician for a check-up around 10 months old, and the doc asked about her eating habits. “Does she eat green veggies?” “Yes,” I replied, “but she prefers orange and yellow ones”. “I can see that,” she remarked. “What do you mean?” I said, puzzled. “Nancy…look at your child. She’s ORANGE. She has beta-carotenemia. Make her eat more greens before you have to change your last name to Oompa Loompa.” The only thing missing from the doc’s response is the word ‘DIPSHIT’ at the end, because that’s what I felt like. Clearly this is Mom of the Year moment #2. 

3. In June 2007, just days after moving into a gated community, I found my 3-year-old Butter Bean playing in the backyard. Buck nekid. Despite my suspicion our neighbors might think The Clampetts had moved in, I just let her be. For all they knew, we were nudists. What’s worse is, she was apparently in a phase.…and preferred being naked, to wearing clothes. I decided not to fight it, and she played naked in the yard all summer. Can’t really say I blamed her…we lived in the Valley, which if you know anything about Los Angeles….is hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in the summer. So, allowing nakedness makes me Mom of the Year. I did remember to apply sunscreen each day, in case you were thinking I deserved WORST Mom of the Year. 

4. When Sweet Pea was 3, she accompanied me to do some “day of” birthday shopping for my then, 9 year-old Sugar Bean. While standing in line at Justice, she announced she needed to potty. There were 2 women in line ahead of me, 3 in line behind me, and I had an armload of stuff I couldn’t just abandon to go in search of a mall bathroom, as I was short on time anyway and wouldn’t be able to come back. So I explained to the Tart-in-Charge, that she was currently potty-training, and couldn’t hold it, asking if they had a bathroom she could use. No. Employees only. Upon hearing that, Sweet Pea unleashed a flood and peed in the floor, as we continued to wait in line to pay. I had a few choice words for the cashier as she rung me up, and stared like a deer in headlights. Oh, and the women behind me applauded my Mom of the Year skills as I walked out.  

5. As if we moms need anything else to make a big deal out of for our children, I came up with a whole new holiday deliverer of treats….The Valentine Fairy. She brings gift bags of goodies and small presents for The Beans to wake up to on Valentine’s morning. Sometimes she even leaves a trail of glitter from their bags to the window, depending on whether I want to clean the shit up or not. Of course, in their eyes, it makes me Mom of the Year, while in the eyes of the moms of their friends who inevitably know she visits our house…..I’m more like Overachieving Bitch of the Year. But that’s okay, because it’s the only area I don’t slack in. Besides, it sets the bar very high for their future loves, because they will have always been celebrated on the one day of the year designed to be dedicated to love. Gag, right?

6. Mom of the Year reason number 6 can be directly attributed to the fact that on every birthday in our household, we eat cake for breakfast. School day, weekend day, holiday….doesn’t matter. If it’s your birthday, you get dragged out of bed at 6am and have cake for breakfast. Or pie. Your choice. And you must endure having your early morning party documented with photos showing you looking EXACTLY like you do when you wake up. No primping allowed. Feel free to steal this awesome tradition and practice it in your own family. I stole the idea from my friend Sarah. 

7. I allow Candy Saturdays in our house. What’s that, you ask? No sugar AT ALL during the week, but The Beans can have as much as they want on Saturday. The word “NO”, as it relates to candy, is not uttered on Saturday in our family. It’s my way of making sure they gorge themselves almost to the point of sickness that day, so I don’t have to deal with the begging eyes, requests or tantrums in line at Target while they are standing by the candy displays. So far, it’s worked like a charm. They even FORGET about it from time to time, so they go several weeks without sugar. Oh, and our dentist….she thinks I’m a freaking hero! Or….Mom of the Year!

If this made you laugh, please leave a comment and let me know! And if you have moments like these to share….feel free!

I LOVE to know I’m not alone 🙂

 

Friend Movement

Sugar Bean and me being interviewed for the Friend Movement.

Sugar Bean and me being interviewed for Friend Movement.

Listen, y’all.

I am so ecstatic I can hardly contain myself. That’s what happens when I am passionate about something. Giggly, gushing, passion….that’s what is brewing up in here. Downright magical, I tell ya!!

Why, you ask? Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve been involved in something bigger than me and my little tribe, that really had potential to make a difference. There was this, but again, it was 2 years ago. And as much as I would have loved to repeat that massive relief effort again for the people of Oklahoma recently, it just wasn’t possible. All my ducks were scattered, and it takes a pond full. No excuse, I know, but at least I’m honest about my abilities, right?

Anyway, I am happy to say, I am once again putting whatever muscle I have  (or can beg, borrow, or steal) behind a very worthy cause. What I’m talking about is FRIEND MOVEMENTan anti-bullying campaign created to help show positive anti-bully images through art and media. Images of people of all ages, race, gender, sexuality, and spirituality that invoke inspiration & conversation. Friend Movement  inspires people to prevent bullying by enabling them to be a better friend.

What could be better than that?!! 

Especially with all the heart-breaking stories of children, tweens, teens…even adults, pushed to their limits under the pressure of bullies of all shapes and sizes, often driving them to commit the unthinkable act of suicide. It has to stop, people. It just has to stop! So I’m trying to help make that happen by raising awareness and letting people know that bullying is NOT okay. It affects people deeply, and the damage words and actions cause once they’ve been unleashed, can rarely–if ever– be completely reversed.

Just ask my Sugar Bean. She was bullied starting in Kindergarten, and continuing until she was in the 3rd grade. So this is an issue that hits not close to home, but at home. And if I can spare any mama out there the heartache I experienced watching my baby come home from school day after day…sobbing…then I want to do just that. Starting with my continued support of this campaign.

The photo/video campaign “The New F Word”  is officially launching in June, and here’s what it’s all about:

FATTY, FAGGOT, FREAK … WE DON’T THINK SO.

HOW ABOUT FRIEND.

The New F Word is a grass-roots photo campaign and documentary film that aims to encourage the use of the word FRIEND to project inner strength and confidence. The concept by Elliot Dal Pra London & Ronnie Kroell was taken to a whole new level when Bianca Kosoy, famed branding creative genius, helped shape the campaign by giving it the edginess for which she is known. Add celebrity photographer and co-creator Ryan Forbes to the mix, and you have quite the creative team; bullying beware.

 I urge you to visit their website, ‘Like’ their Facebook page, Follow them on Twitter, and give if you can. Your support could change the life of someone who desperately needs just a glimmer of positivity to help them down off the ledge and into a place of healing!  

Friend Movement pic

 

That’s all for now, but check back for more information about (and photos from) our shoot with the Friend Movement team! We had such an amazing time, and I can’t wait to share all the details. Oh, and I’ll be hosting a giveaway in association with this fantastic cause as well, so stay tuned 🙂

 

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Oh, lucky day!!

Just before I picked it :-)

Just before I picked it

Throughout the course of my life, I have had a unique gift for finding 4-leafed clovers. As far-fetched as it sounds—they seem to literally illuminate when I walk by them. Seriously. I don’t even really have to look for them, because they catch my eye, and at the ripe old age of 41, I  have 100’s of them. And those are just the ones that managed to survive childhood, my teenage years, college, a cross-country move and more than a few moves since living in Los Angeles. So I though I would begin this post by sharing a picture of one I found just a few months ago. Happy St. Patrick’s Day, and may the Luck O’ the Irish be with y’all!!!

But that’s NOT what this post is about…. at all.

This post is dedicated to my Butter Bean, who, weighing in at 7 pounds and 11 ounces, entered this world with a bang on the biggest drinking day of the year–after an induction AND 24 hours of labor!  Named after a saint, born at a ‘saintly’ hospital, in a city by the beach (also named after a saint) on Saint Patrick’s Day —she was bound to be an angel, right??? Nine years ago today, God saw fit to trust me with this force of nature and my life has just kept getting better and better because she’s in it.  Although she arrived into the world a few days early, and gave us a lil’ scare, she has made up for it ever since by growing into a dynamic, soulful little sprite!!! Everywhere she goes, she brightens up the space around her. She’s incredibly intelligent, and very observant, slipping into a room without making a sound, but leaving an imprint that simply cannot be forgotten. I am a better person because she is my daughter, and I thank God every day, for blessing me with her. My guess is that all those four leafed clovers I’ve found over the course of my 41 years paid off, because I feel VERY LUCKY to have her!

Here are just a few glimpses of her radiance over the years…

5 days old

5 days old

age 2.5

age 2.5

butterflybutterbean

a beautiful butterfly at 5

almost 4

almost 4

 

learning to fish at 7

 

 

 

 

 

 

becoming a model at 8.5

becoming a model at 8.5

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUTTER BEAN!!!

Mommy loves you to the moon and back 🙂

 

 

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Eye Yoo Wee, Mommy!!

beachgirls

I hadn’t planned to write today, as I already have a good kick-ass post scheduled for Valentine’s Day. (Yes, that’s what is known in Hollywood as a ‘teaser’, so you’ll need to come back to see what the fuss is about)

However this morning for some reason, I kept thinking about when Sugar Bean was a toddler, just learning to talk, which inevitably reminded me of the day I was almost in tears….convinced she would NEVER say ‘I love you too’ despite me saying ‘I love you’ to her 8,000 times a day. Then my mind connected the dots of ‘I love you’ with the upcoming holiday, and….BAM…here I am…writing, in the middle of the dang day when I’m certain there is laundry to be done, errands to be run, babysitters to book (this has so far, been an unsuccessful task I might add)…you get the point. Because the story of her 1st “I love you, too” is good for both a tear, and a giggle.

Back to Sugar Bean.

As I mentioned, I constantly tell The Beans I love them, all day long, every day. It’s nauseating, I think. Since you never know when life will catch you by surprise, cut things short, leave you hanging…and because, I can’t remember either of my parents ever saying it to me –although I’m certain they did– I want to make sure it’s fresh in their minds. Even if the last words they’ve uttered to me are “YOU ARE THE MEANEST MOMMY EVER!” because I’ve refused some request. Anyway, I started doing this immediately after Sugar Bean was born. So, by the time she was 18 months old and talking up a storm….you can imagine my disappointment at the fact that she never seemed to say ‘I love you”, “I love you too” or anything that sounded close. To me.  What did I know? I wasn’t given the ‘Toddler Talk for Dummies Guide”, as a shower gift.

The scene would play out like this, day after day….

Me: “I love you.”

SB: (smiling, silent) 

Me: “SB, mommy loves you.” 

SB: (still smiling…giggles…runs off)

Me: (furrowing my brow)

She did, however, randomly utter the words “EYE-YOO-WEE”….a lot. But never really in response to my endless, sappy proclamation. Which always left me with a puzzled, “WTF?” look on my face.

This went on for months, I tell you. Until one afternoon, The Man and I were in the car cruising down Beverly Boulevard on our way to who knows where, with Sugar Bean strapped into her car seat in the back, happy as a clam, when I looked at her and said “I love you” and she responded with “Eye yoo wee too mommy! Eye yoo wee too!” 

WHAT!???!! 

There it was!!! My heart swelled with joy, and my eyes with tears. Then I realized, all those months, my dumb-ass thought she didn’t love me, when she had been saying it all along.

Unsolicited.

Needless to say, I made The Man pull over so I could yank her out of her car seat and shower her with hugs and kisses 🙂 The following Christmas, I took her to a cool new store called Build-A-Bear and (after two hours of coaxing) recorded it on one of those thingys you stick inside the paw of the bear, and gave it to The Man as a gift, hoping to capture it forever. What they don’t tell you is, the recording devices have a shelf-life, dammit. Still have the bear, but he no longer has Sugar Bean’s voice. Now that she is older, I receive beautiful things like this, which will weather the test of time, both in memory and in print 🙂

The moral of this story is: Leave it to a toddler to come up with a freaking genius way to say “I love you” that sounds nothing like it, but really sums up the meaning quite well.

“EYE + YOO+ WEE”

I + You = We

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