If videos kill the radio star…then kids kill the porn star.

1352365148089_1958793
…at least that’s what my mama always told me, and I’m the youngest of 7, so I guess she knew. 
But clearly this post is not about my mama. It’s about THIS mama, and the lack of ‘rolling in the hay’ my barn has seen since becoming one. Of course, it’s not because The Man isn’t ready, willing, and able at the drop of his pants a hat, which I’ve talked about here and here, but mostly as the result of that evil thing called postpartum, pre-menopausal, decreased libido. (I’m certain this is not a bona fide clinical term, but damn it sounds official, doesn’t it?) So, in essence, I take all the blame. But I bore all the children too, and well..things change. And I call bullshit on anyone who claims otherwise, because let’s face it…
As mothers, we just can’t please everyone. Go ahead, try it. I dare you…just for a day. Then get back to me and let me know how it worked out for you, after you awaken from the coma you’ll slip into as the result of the exhaustion it caused. 🙂
First of all, in my house, nine times out of ten, the one who is screaming the loudest gets the attention. Personally, I’ve noticed that The Man tries to avoid this type of outburst, and usually gets neglected as a result. Kind of his fault, but chalk one up for The Beans for always beating him to the chase in this department. Something about ear-splitting wails coming from a tiny human just kills the mood, even if I’ve promised myself , and him, that ‘tonight is definitely the night’. Admittedly, it does improve when they sleep through the night, but I should mention at this point, that our Butter Bean woke up no less than 3 times a night until she was 3 and a half years old. So Sweet Pea slept in the room with us for about a year. Not in the bed with us, mind you, but in a crib across the room. Obviously, the reason for this is they needed to share a room, and I didn’t want one to wake up the other, because a 3 am wake-up call at the hands of a toddler AND an infant is just a shit show. Sometimes literally. And quite the ‘coitus interruptus’ if we happened to be awake, getting busy. So that’s the effect the toddler years had on the sex life. For 3 consecutive terms. Just like prison.
Moving on.
We are now in the years when it shouldn’t be an issue. They are all school-aged. But it still is. Now we must worry about them walking in on us. Lock the door, you say? Tried it. Sweet Pea stood outside and gave her best impression of Stewie from ‘Family Guy’ when he is repeatedly saying ‘Mom, mom, mother, mommy, etc”. Try doing the deed through THAT. Besides, I’m convinced my daughters inherited my ability to pick locks, and that’s a problem. Oh, and not that I’m a ‘screamer’, but there is also the problem of making too much noise and US waking THEM up. What a conundrum, right? So what the fuck are we supposed to do? (no pun intended here)
Schedule sex? I’ve heard of this. Not for me. What I loved most about the months of dating, pre-baby (yes, I said months) was the spontaneity. You know, the freedom to start off with one of those seemingly innocent, yet deep, soul touching kisses that ends up with you and your mate up against a wall, or on the dining room table scrambling to tear each other’s clothes off? Penciling “it” in, just erases all the fun out of it in my opinion. But hey, to each his own.
Go to a hotel? Right. This costs money, and in this economy….with 3 Beans…it’s not happening. Plus, babysitters are scarce up in here. Unless someone wishes to volunteer to come and stay the weekend? And then I’m sure we’d spend the majority of the hotel stay catching up on sleep. Seriously.
Last but not least, the nails in the coffin of my sex drive are the biological changes that have begun to take hold of my body, causing the aforementioned postpartum, pre-menopausal, decreased libido. Nothing I can do about this either. As Dr.V told me 2 weeks ago“You are entering the 40’s. Things start to change.” Often, I just don’t feel sexy, despite constant affirmations from The Man, that I am, in fact, the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen. When I look in the mirror, I see a face with tired skin, multiple blemishes and dark circles. The once perky boobs that so efficiently nursed The Beans are no longer standing at attention, and my dancer’s body…while not carrying extra weight….is just, well, soft. Oh…and don’t get me going on my gray roots. I realize I have earned every single silver hair on my head,  yet I really wish I wasn’t such an overachiever in that respect. And there are other things too…but that’s TMI. Google my made up terminology and see what you get in association with it 🙂
Maybe I should read “Fifty Shades of Grey” for inspiration. You think that will help? After all, the man in that book and The Man in my life do have the same name, or so I hear. Perhaps that ‘mommy porn’ will resurrect my inner porn star. At this point, it’s worth a shot, I believe. Especially when the alternative is praying my fire reignites once The Beans have flown the coop. When The Man and I are older than dirt.
Guess I need to go to the library, don’t I?

Follow on Bloglovin

Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook, and Twitter

If I made you laugh, please click the banner below to vote for me on topmommyblogs.com!

There’s no need to be shy – you can vote for me once a day!

THANKS SO MUCH…Y’ALL ROCK!

Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

       
 

Comments

  1. PLEASE tell me if you are going to read that book you will spring for a new copy and NOT go to the library? Come on – imagine what 100s of other women could have been doing, and then holding that book before, during, and after. I mean, it’s hard to get some people to wash their hands before they eat – just think.
    [shudder!]
    And if you can’t afford a new copy I will Amazon one straight to you!!

    Seriously, I think we are all on the same page here (ha! no pun intended) and in my opinion, the biggest problem with all of this is the pressure The Hubs puts on me to fix everything and make it be like before the kids. He just doesn’t get that things change. We can adjust and work around, but it will never be like before kids.

  2. Warning: I hear there’s butt stuff in that book.

  3. running mama says:

    I’m dreading the Stewie phase

  4. Don’t read 50 Shades, the writing is terrible and the sex scenes are unrealistic, you’ll get your hopes up….I stopped doing my reports for now…

  5. The Toddler Years. You hit the nail on the head, those were the hardest. The knocking and talking through the door, just grosses me out. I don’t think the Dudes mind though. . . I bet t hey could have sex while dying from a gunshot wound.

    If you read those books, let us know how it goes 😉

    • You are so right about going at it while dying of a gunshot wound. I mean, even when The Man feels like shit, with a cold or something….and especially when I am sick….he is undeterred and SWEARS it will make ME feel better. LOL. Guess that will come in handy during the Zombie Apocalypse, huh?

  6. I read “Fifty” and although I loved the book it didn’t do much for my sex life. Maybe that’s because I read the book on the way to and from work and by the time I got home and finished all the stuff that need to be done my memory of the book was long gone.

  7. I LOVED THIS!!! I hadn’t given any thought to the toddler phase. Hmmm…we may need to buy a really big crib so she isn’t free to run all over the place at night!!!!

    I, too, do not feel like a very attractive human being these days. When I look in the mirror, I wonder what happened to me. One of these days, I’ll start giving a shit about myself again.

    50 Shades of Grey . . . what a horrible book! 😉

  8. Oh yes… the banging on the door while your, um, well you know. I actually forgot about that. Our littlest can’t climb out of the crib yet and our oldest FINALLY minds his own damn business. But there was a time when mommy and daddy’s bedroom door being closed was a challenge for that boy. And then he learned how to disassemble the door handles (I shit you not, this kid is like MacGyver). 2 years later, we finally had some privacy. For about 9 months.

  9. Nah, not “50 Shades”. Read “The Story of O”. Good stuff. Well written and it gets good in page ONE! That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

  10. Your sex drive is not gone forever – I promise! Mine left not because of changes in my body, but changes in my mind. When I became a mother (21 years ago), I had this self-image of a perfect mom that I wanted to be. Porn star does not fit in that image, even though I tried. Plus, I quickly realized that I was suddenly responsible for EV-ERY-FUCK-ING-THING and I got tired of that shit in a big hurry. My responsibilities had increased infinitely and my husband thought (still does) that his biggest responsibility is to see how many hours he can watch ESPN on the weekends. Honestly, that pissed me off. So, my sex drive for HIM vanished. YMMV.

Trackbacks

  1. […] I’ve talked about being at a club with a group of drunk people here. And about sex, here, here and here. As for the “dark booth bench tumblr”…..that’s just a […]

Give it to me straight. I can take it :-)

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)

%d bloggers like this: