I’ve got major mommy skills….or not.

Okay, I’m digging in the archives to bring you a list of reasons why I should be Mom of the Year. Or, perhaps have DCFS called on me for a series of Epic Parenting Fails, depending on your perspective–and sense of humor.

And also because I have a bit of writer’s block. Personally, I think this whole middle-aged thing is to blame.

This was originally featured over on Mom of the Year, back in May, but I wanted to share it again here, in case anyone missed it! And of course because I think Meredith is the bestest and deserves a shout-out ūüôā ¬†

 

Unlike the other Moms of the Year, I wasn‚Äôt invited to the party ‚Ķ.I ASKED to be included. Fortunately, Meredith–the genius behind this collection of kick-ass moms– decided I was cool enough. Or else she thought,¬†‚ÄėWow, this gal is from the South? Seems like her manners have been replaced with giant, Hollywood-sized balls‚Äô¬†and that intimidated her enough to let me in the club. Whatever. I‚Äôve got the prize.

Hell to the Yeah!!

hell to the yeah!

 

Now I need to tell y’all why I think I deserve it. I’m the youngest of 7 kids, so you get 7 reasons:¬†

1. I discovered I was preggo after an 8 day vacay to the Sundance Festival, followed by Super Bowl weekend in Vegas in 1999, with my then boyfriend-now husband, The Man. Ironically, I was on BCP’s, and my cycle had always been like clockwork. However, upon our return from a glorious 10 day stint filled with lots of partying like celebrities and rock stars (and some tumbling down snow laden hills with a board strapped to my feet) I realized I was LATE. Took a test:¬†Positive.¬†Went to the doctor:¬†5 Weeks Positive.¬†So, clearly I was¬†Mom of THAT Year.¬†Mostly because I had been pregnant the entire time we¬†were there, but didn’t know it‚Ķ.and Sugar Bean¬†survived it all,¬†making her healthy entrance into the world 8 months later.¬†Cart before the horse? Check. But hey, when in Hollywood‚Ķ.¬†

2. Now, I must preface this one by saying The Man is an eighth Mexican, and I’m part Cherokee Indian, so we are not pale people. Therefore, Sugar Bean has beautiful olive-toned skin as a result–a natural, year-round tan. So imagine my surprise when I took her in to the¬†pediatrician for a check-up around 10 months old, and the doc asked about her eating habits.¬†“Does she eat green veggies?”¬†“Yes,”¬†I replied,¬†“but she prefers orange and yellow ones”.¬†“I can see that,”¬†she remarked.¬†“What do you mean?”¬†I said, puzzled.¬†“Nancy‚Ķlook at your child. She’s ORANGE. She has beta-carotenemia. Make her eat more greens before you have to change your last name to Oompa Loompa.” The only thing missing from the doc’s response is the word ‘DIPSHIT’ at the end, because that’s what I felt like.¬†Clearly this is Mom of the Year moment #2.¬†

3. In June 2007, just days after moving into a gated community, I found my 3-year-old Butter Bean¬†playing in¬†the backyard.¬†Buck nekid.¬†Despite my suspicion our neighbors might think The Clampetts had moved in, I just let her be. For all they knew, we were nudists. What’s worse is,¬†she¬†was apparently in a phase.‚Ķand preferred being naked, to wearing clothes. I decided not to fight it, and she played naked in the yard all summer. Can’t really say I blamed her‚Ķwe lived in the Valley, which if you know anything about Los Angeles‚Ķ.is hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in the summer.¬†So, allowing nakedness makes me Mom of the Year.¬†I did remember to apply sunscreen each day, in case you were thinking I deserved¬†WORST¬†Mom of the Year.¬†

4. When Sweet Pea was 3, she accompanied me to do some “day of” birthday shopping for my then, 9 year-old Sugar Bean. While standing in line at Justice, she announced she needed to potty. There were 2 women in line ahead of me, 3 in line behind me, and I had an armload of stuff I couldn’t just abandon to go in search of a mall bathroom, as I was short on time anyway and wouldn’t be able to come back. So I explained to the Tart-in-Charge, that she was currently potty-training, and couldn’t hold it, asking if they had a bathroom she could use.¬†No. Employees only.¬†Upon hearing that, Sweet Pea unleashed a flood and peed in the floor, as we continued to wait in line to pay. I had a few choice words for the cashier as she rung me up, and stared like a deer in headlights. Oh, and the women behind me applauded¬†my Mom of the Year skills¬†as I walked out. ¬†

5. As if we moms need anything else to make a big deal out of for our children, I came up with a whole new holiday deliverer of treats‚Ķ.The Valentine Fairy. She brings¬†gift bags¬†of goodies and small presents for The Beans to wake up to on Valentine’s morning. Sometimes she even leaves a trail of glitter from their bags to the window, depending on whether I want to clean the shit up or not. Of course, in their eyes, it makes me¬†Mom of the Year, while in the eyes of the moms of their friends who inevitably know she visits our house‚Ķ..I’m more like¬†Overachieving¬†Bitch of the Year.¬†But that’s okay, because it’s the only area I don’t slack in. Besides, it sets the bar very high for their future loves, because they will have always been celebrated on the one day of the year designed to be dedicated to love. Gag, right?

6.¬†Mom of the Year¬†reason number 6 can be directly attributed to the fact that on every birthday in our household,¬†we eat cake for breakfast. School day, weekend day, holiday‚Ķ.doesn’t matter. If it’s your birthday, you get dragged out of bed at 6am and have cake for breakfast. Or pie. Your choice. And you must endure having your early morning party documented with photos showing you looking EXACTLY like you do when you wake up. No primping allowed. Feel free to steal this awesome tradition and practice it in your own family. I stole the idea from my friend Sarah.¬†

7. I allow¬†Candy Saturdays¬†in our house.¬†What’s that, you ask?¬†No sugar AT ALL during the week, but The Beans can have as much as they want on Saturday. The word “NO”, as it relates to candy, is not uttered on Saturday in our family. It’s my way of making sure they gorge themselves almost to the point of sickness that day, so I don’t have to deal with the begging eyes, requests or tantrums in line at Target while they are standing by the candy displays. So far, it’s worked like a charm. They even FORGET about it from time to time, so they go several weeks without sugar. Oh, and our dentist‚Ķ.she thinks I’m a freaking hero! Or‚Ķ.Mom of the Year!

If this made you laugh, please leave a comment and let me know! And if you have moments like these to share….feel free!

I LOVE to know I’m not alone ūüôā

 

Like mother, like daughter…and some horn tooting :-)

It has come to my attention over the past 6 months, that two of ¬†The Beans are gifted writers. Sugar Bean is making straight A’s in Advanced English, and Butter Bean was named “Writer of the Month” for her class in December. Woo-hoo…they can take over the blog when I die, right?!

So, it really came as no shock to me yesterday when I picked Sweet Pea up from school and she announced that she’d been given an award for writing at the morning assembly. Another chip off the old block….yippee ūüôā Normally, I would have been there to see her receive the award, but for some reason, I didn’t get a notice about her accomplishment. Apparently, the Korean Parent’s Association presented awards to the students based on an essay each of them wrote about New Year’s Resolutions, to commemorate Lunar New Year. ¬†And Sweet Pea was one of two students to win in her class. She received the certificate pictured below, along with a Barnes and Noble gift card!!

IMG_1327

 This in itself had me BEAMING with pride. 

What brought me to tears, literally, was when she showed me her essay. It’s short and simple, but so powerful. Especially to a mama who is trying very hard to make sure her Beans realize¬†the importance of¬†¬†these lessons, through living examples like this.¬† Anyway, here is what she wrote, and illustrated. I believe it speaks for itself:

IMG_1326

If you look closely, you can see the two kids depicted on the left are saying ‘No toys’ and ‘No fair’, and on the right, there is Sweet Pea holding bags of toys to give them as they exclaim “Toys!”, “Yay!”.¬†What an incredible drawing. Even if My Bean is the artist, and I do say so myself.

I wept silent tears of joy all the way home from school, knowing that even when The Beans have bratty, selfish moments, and I would swear it’s not….parenting by example really is sinking in ūüôā

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I’m so not worthy of a Double Ray of Sunshine!!

 

Okay, maybe I am.

Although I try to avoid making decisions like that on my own, leaving it instead, to the professionals, and being pleasantly surprised with the outcome.¬†At least a few, seem to think I am, every now and then. You can see for yourself,¬†here¬†and here.¬†Anyway, this past Friday was another such occasion, but in a different way. For me, living in LA, and being intimately connected to the Industry, it’s like winning an Oscar AND a SAG Award…which will likely never happen…but you get the point.

You see, I woke up to not one, but TWO fellow bloggers nominating me for The Sunshine Award, via posts on their blogs!! Oh, and they shouted it out on Twitter too. OMG…have I arrived, or what? Both, Mrs. Martini over at Three Monkeys and a Martini, and Jenn at Something Clever 2.0. have hilarious blogs you will definitely want to read¬† follow religiously. To say I was blown away by such a double dose of honor is, well, an understatement. Of course, I’m still wondering if they called each other, or it had anything to do with the fact that we’ve all been on this bandwagon called Theme Thursday together for the past few weeks? Whatever. I will not look a gift horse in the mouth. Speaking of gift horses, I’ve always wondered what that statement meant. Were, at some point in history, horses commissioned to deliver gifts to folks by carrying them in their mouths? ¬†I mean, I KNOW reindeer pull the sleigh at Christmas….

But I digress. With this award comes the responsibility of answering some quick questions, and paying it forward by nominating a few fellow bloggers myself. So, I’m gonna get to it. If you already know too much about me already, as the result of this post, you can skip to the bottom and stalk some other fabulous blogs. On with my show, now.

1. What is your favorite Christmas movie? That one is easy. The original Miracle on 34th Street, with Natalie Wood. I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Never gets old. And while I’m in this confessional here, I will admit that I have never seen “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

2. What is your favorite flower?¬†Hmmm. I’m not a huge flower fan, honestly. They are beautiful, and I enjoy choosing and arranging them for other people from time to time, but I don’t really have a stand-out favorite. But in the spirit of actually answering the question, I’d say wildflowers are good, picked and given on a whim, straight from the heart for no reason.

3. What is your favorite non-alcoholic beverage?¬†Sparkling water with lime. It used to be Sundrop, but I can’t drink caffeine much anymore for fear my heart will explode. Or at least that’s what it feels like it’s going to do

4.¬†What is your passion?¬†Milking every single second of my time here on Earth for all its got, and having no regrets when I draw my last breath. Oh, and making people smile. Or even better…laugh.

5. What is your favorite time of year?¬†Without question, Fall. I grew up in the South, and the changing of the leaves, crispness/smell in the air…excitement of SEC college football…makes me adore the season. Since moving to California, it hasn’t been the same, so I have to depend on enjoying Autumn vicariously through my family back home. Until I win the lottery and can go visit every November.

6. What is your favorite time of day?¬†Kind of strange, because I’m really a night owl, but my favorite time of day is when I wake up. The fact that it keeps happening over and over again is simply magical. And before you assume…don’t. I’m not secretly suffering from a terminal illness or expecting to die suddenly. I just appreciate the fact that each day is a gift.

7. What is your favorite physical activity?¬†Dancing. I even have a Bachelor’s Degree in it. Started when I was 5-ish, and continued through college. Although I was never able to make a career out of it, the fire for it still burns inside me. There is no better way for me to relieve stress than to ‘dance it out’. Music often moves me, and when I hear it, I get lost, and see it dancing in my head. Actual choreography, with costumes, props and scenery. Rarely has any of this made its way onto a stage. Okay…never. But I’m not dead yet, and Martha Graham danced well into old age, so there is still hope, right?

8. What is your favorite vacation?¬†Camping. Preferably in the Fall, with just my family, or even a group of families. I love hiking and exploring nature. Campfires make me feel all warm and fuzzy. No pun, intended. The only thing associated with camping that I’m not fond of are s’mores. Messy, gooey…yuck.

So, that’s it. Now you know it all.

What? I’m not done? Oh, right…one more thing. My nominations!!

I hereby nominate the following bloggers for The Sunshine Award, because their blogs feel like a ray of sunshine when I read them:

The Diary of a Reluctant Mother

Motherhood, WTF?

Things That Happen Everyday

One Funny Motha 

One Classy Motha

Now, go give these ladies some love on their blogs, and tell them

The Calibamamom sent you!

 

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Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook, and Twitter! 

If I made you laugh, please click the banner below to vote for me on topmommyblogs.com!

There‚Äôs no need to be shy ‚Äď you can vote for me once a day!

THANKS SO MUCH…Y’ALL ROCK!

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