I’m officially 20 days late….

….announcing that I’m a PUBLISHED AUTHOR folks.

Isn't it pretty?

Isn’t it pretty?

What? You thought I was late? As in preggo? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.NO. That ship has officially  docked sunk. Unless God suddenly decides he needs another earthly being to bear offspring. And then I will still be on my knees praying he doesn’t like petite women, brunettes, moms who blog and swear, women who wear cowboy boots or females named Nancy. You get the point.

Anyway, what I’m actually talking about is my contribution to the ridiculously funny collection of stories, titled Parenting Gag Reel: Hilarious Writes and Wrongs, Take 26  published by Life Well Blogged. The book was released on Amazon.com on April 2nd, which was the official day I became a contributing author to an E-book, hence the 20 days late reference. In case you’ve lost your calendar wits…today is April 22nd 🙂 But…the fantastic duo of Abbey Fatica and  Monica Merrill-Mylet took it one step further…and the book is now available in PAPERBACK at CreateSpace  (hint, hint…I can autograph those puppies for ya!)  So, go there now and buy one. I’m begging. Pretty please…with some homemade, iron-skillet baked, cornbread on top? We’ll work out the logistics of cornbread delivery & autographing later. Promise.  

Oh, and the BEST part is.…a portion of the proceeds from the sales of Parenting Gag Reel will benefit Autism Speaks, an amazing charity helping children and families dealing with autism everyday. And if there is one thing y’all know about me…I am all about helping others. It is one of my callings in life, I believe. Besides making people laugh, and feel better about their own parenting skills by injecting humor into the obvious, epic failures in my repertoire.

Last but not least….One of the other contributors, the wonderful Kristi from  www.findingninee.com reached out to the rest of us contributors with a very personal plea in hopes for the successful sale of the book. I would like to pass that along now:

It’s so exciting to see people talking about this hilarious book, isn’t it?  Abbey has been kind enough to offer to donate a portion of the proceeds of each book sold to a fundraiser that we’re doing for my son’s Preschool Autism Class.  Other parents and I have been searching for ways to help my son and his classmates.  Through our research, we’ve learned that iPads significantly help children on the autism spectrum learn how to learn and even communicate.  

We’re holding a multi-family garage sale at the end of April and all proceeds will go toward the purchase of an iPad (or, if we get enough, 2 iPads as there are 2 PAC classrooms).  With Abbey’s help, and yours, maybe we’ll be able to get a little closer to our goal.  In order to get credit for the sale, people will have to purchase the book through the following link or through my site: 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00C4ZVBOI/?tag=findnine-20.

Thank you so much!

So my desire for you to buy the book because I’m a contributor, and there’s a really funny story about Sweet Pea peeing in public in there, actually pales in comparison to my wish that you buy it to help Kristi’s precious son. At this point, I’m just honored to have been chosen as a contributing author!
BTW…I’m featured in Chapter….well, I guess you’ll
just have to buy it I guess, won’t you? 
Once you do, please share the news with friends via FB and Twitter, read/rate reviews —4 or 5 stars are preferred, but don’t lie–
and leave one of your own about what you thought on Amazon!
Oh…and FYI–glowing reviews help boost sales if you were wondering..lol.
BUY ME! BUY ME!

BUY ME! BUY ME!

***Or, you could always hop over to my Facebook page“Like” it (if you haven’t already) and leave a comment THERE with the name of the Bean who is featured in the essay published in the book. You see, I have 5 copies of the Ebook to GIVE AWAY, and I’d love for you to enter the contest. Winner will be chosen at random, and notified via email, after the contest closes on April 30th***

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Fashion-stress…at 6?

Yes. It's just like that.

Yes. It’s just like that.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have an ongoing hostage situation at our house. The victims are the clothes in Sweet Pea’s closet. Every school day morning, (and usually on Sunday before church) after I rouse her from the comfort of her warm and cozy bed, the scene goes something like this:

Me: Hey Sweet Pea…time to wake up and get ready for school. 

SP: (in a whiny voice, with pouty face) But I’m tiiiiiiired. 

Me: I know, but it’s a bit after 7, and you have to get up and get dressed. 

SP: (sitting up now, arms folded) I don’t care about school. 

Me: You love school. Now let’s get up and get dressed, so we aren’t late. Again. 

She gets up, and I assume…or rather hope…this day will be different.

At this point, I inevitably have to walk out of the room to turn on the lights above the aquariums housing our bearded dragons and make sure Butter Bean is eating breakfast, since she has gotten up immediately after waking, chosen an outfit, dressed herself, put on her shoes, AND brushed her own hair, all within 20 minutes….without uttering a word. Sugar Bean, of course, has been in the bathroom the entire time. She’s 13. Need I say more?

It’s now 7:25 am, and I shout from the kitchen, “Hey, Sweet Pea, how’s it going in there? Are you dressed yet?” 

First there is no answer. Then, I hear faint whimpering, and sense the onset of what is now referred to in our home as ‘The Morning Meltdown’, so I head back into the bedroom to find Sweet Pea sitting on the floor, wearing nothing but her underwear. Believe it or not, this IS progress. I mean, she’s managed to take her pajamas off. Resisting the urge to raise my voice and demand that she just put on some @#$%-ing clothes, I softly say ” What’s wrong?”  Cue the tears. “I’m cold, and don’t know what to wear,” she replies.  So, I suggest an outfit, and she turns it down flat. Three more rejected outfits later, with the clock ticking like a bomb and my patience waning, she finally breaks down completely and shoots off these one-liners, becoming increasingly more agitated with each one:

“I can’t get dressed because I don’t know what the weather is going to be like.”In her defense, this is a problem, considering the weather where we live seems to be controlled at the hands of a rogue Mother Nature based on her menopausal thermostat…40 degrees one day, 85 the next. Clearly, she needs meds. STAT.

“You give me too many choices.” -Just trying to get the ball rolling. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I thought an array of cute outfits would help. Clearly, I don’t know crap.

“I wore that already.” – Whom does she think she is, a Kardashian? Since I sometimes wear the same black yoga pants multiple days in a row, I don’t know where in the heck she’s gotten the idea she can’t repeat outfits. Seriously.

“I don’t have any shoes to match that.” – Simply untrue. Between the pairs bought specifically for her, and the ones handed down from Butter Bean, the kid has an obscene amount of shoes.

“Nobody helps me in the mornings.” A blatant lie, considering I spend 95% of the time in the mornings at her side, trying to thwart this shit show. Obviously it’s a last-ditch effort for sympathy and a tactic for running down the clock.

And my personal favorite…..“YOU DON’T LIKE ME, OR WANT ME AS A CHILD!!!!”  – Ludicrous. I adore this child to pieces. Even when she acts like a dictator, reigning over her closet, day after day.

The only thing I can do in response to this last one, is….well…burst out laughing. Every single time. Obviously this does nothing to help the now heated negotiations, which I can only imagine resemble those with a shrewd, and determined terrorist.  Generally, I resolve to abandon the talks and exit the room. A few minutes later, she’ll emerge dressed in something, and by that time, I couldn’t care less what it is, because Sugar Bean is demanding to leave so she won’t be late, Butter Bean is already in the car waiting, and I still have to pull Sweet Pea’s hair into a ponytail and braid it, so we can avoid falling victim to the head lice which have infiltrated our school again, as that would surely put me in the dirt for good. It almost did last time. Read about that here, if you dare.

Keeping my fingers crossed, in hopes this is a phase, and she’ll be done with it sooner rather than later. Because, so help me God, if her fashion stress is this bad at 6, I’m certainly doomed when she hits her teens.

Say a prayer for me, will ya?

 

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Like mother, like daughter…and some horn tooting :-)

It has come to my attention over the past 6 months, that two of  The Beans are gifted writers. Sugar Bean is making straight A’s in Advanced English, and Butter Bean was named “Writer of the Month” for her class in December. Woo-hoo…they can take over the blog when I die, right?!

So, it really came as no shock to me yesterday when I picked Sweet Pea up from school and she announced that she’d been given an award for writing at the morning assembly. Another chip off the old block….yippee 🙂 Normally, I would have been there to see her receive the award, but for some reason, I didn’t get a notice about her accomplishment. Apparently, the Korean Parent’s Association presented awards to the students based on an essay each of them wrote about New Year’s Resolutions, to commemorate Lunar New Year.  And Sweet Pea was one of two students to win in her class. She received the certificate pictured below, along with a Barnes and Noble gift card!!

IMG_1327

 This in itself had me BEAMING with pride. 

What brought me to tears, literally, was when she showed me her essay. It’s short and simple, but so powerful. Especially to a mama who is trying very hard to make sure her Beans realize the importance of  these lessons, through living examples like this.  Anyway, here is what she wrote, and illustrated. I believe it speaks for itself:

IMG_1326

If you look closely, you can see the two kids depicted on the left are saying ‘No toys’ and ‘No fair’, and on the right, there is Sweet Pea holding bags of toys to give them as they exclaim “Toys!”, “Yay!”. What an incredible drawing. Even if My Bean is the artist, and I do say so myself.

I wept silent tears of joy all the way home from school, knowing that even when The Beans have bratty, selfish moments, and I would swear it’s not….parenting by example really is sinking in 🙂

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