The Calibamamom: Extreme Blog Makeover Edition

January 26, 2013 by 12 Comments
a perfect depiction

a perfect depiction

 

If you’ve been following since I got the rather crazy notion I might be a writer, and found my calling here  at “a calibama state of mind”, dishing all the dirt on what it’s like cultivating a life in Hollyweird with The Man and The Beans then you’re well aware it’s been A WHOLE YEAR.

Wow. Writing that surprises even me, and I’ve been here everyday. Okay, well…not everyday. But I digress.

The time passed in spurts. Most often, I was chasing the days down, hose-pipe in hand, trying to find the source of the damn fire. Then, some days it crept along like molasses being poured out of a Mason jar with me just watching, feeling like a deer in headlights. Regardless, it’s been anything BUT boring, and as Jerry would say, “What a long strange trip it’s been”.  If you are a rookie here, please refer to the image above, as it is a spot-on rendition of what it would look like if the world could SEE what happens inside my head everyday. The pool of inspiration I refer to as my brain is colorful, scattered, scribbly, swirly, energetic, loud, creative, and…impossible to organize. But I’ve been trying, as best I can, right here. Putting it all out there breathes life into it, and invigorates me at the same time. Better than therapy, and definitely cheaper. Anyway, I believe you’ll be pleased if you stick around 🙂

But it was time for a a lil’ redecorating up in here. I like to think of my posts as squares in a patchwork quilt, and while I’ve got loads of fabric to choose from, I needed some fancy, schmancy new appliques and monogramming to complete the look. Obviously, my unfortunate blogtardiness wouldn’t allow ME to do it, but luckily, Twitter was willing to help, unbeknownst to them, of course.  Although I resisted the Twitterverse for a long ass time, over the past year I’ve made some blogging friends, who have a party on Twitter almost everyday, and the peer pressure was just too much for me. I had to join them. THANK GOD I DID!! That’s how I found Andrea, over at Twins Happen. She’s beyond amazing, and entirely responsible for my makeover.  Okay, I supplied the picture of me crossing the street with 9 children in tow, and chose the colors/ motif I liked the most, but she did all the heavy lifting. So she deserves a giant shout-out, and your business if you are in need of a makeover too. Seriously. Talk about hooking a sister up. I mean, look at this place. Cleaned up pretty nice, huh?!

So wrap yourself up in the coziness and warmth of the new embellishments here and if you like how it makes you feel, tell all your friends about it and grab a button from the sidebar to show you are a fan! You can also connect with me via Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and email. Whatever works best for you! Oh, and I will absolutely reciprocate…promise. I’m a sharer. Hell, who am I kidding? I am an OVER-SHARER…lol 🙂

Have a good one, and thanks for stopping by! 

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The Most Ridiculous Search Terms (that will land you on my blog). Who knew?

January 23, 2013 by 3 Comments

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After looking at my blog stats, and perusing the search terms visitors have used to arrive here at ‘a calibama state of mind’, I have to admit, I’m….well…speechless. Maybe even a little frightened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m damn thankful for my readers, and even more so for my faithful followers. But given the Internet pathways leading some of them here, I can’t help but scratch my head, wonder, and shudder a bit.

At any rate, I thought it might make for an interesting post if I listed the ones that really stood out, while proposing my theories on how they may have led someone here. Without further adieu, and in no particular order…..

The Most Ridiculous Search Terms That Will Land You on My Blog

1. Picture of cattle pusher on 18 wheeler after deer strike. Just because I’m from the South, does not mean I know what a ‘cattle pusher’ is. Deer strike? Yes. Cattle pusher? No. Is it some strange contraption used to ‘tip’ cows? Because I always thought you just did that with your hand after they’d fallen asleep standing up in the pasture. (Damn, that’s mean, isn’t it?) Anyway, my guess is this post, which has nothing at all to do with cows (although it does mention 18 wheelers and deer in headlights), may have connected the dots in this strange string of search terms. So there.

2. Skanky stripper. Really. Me? Awe, thanks….NOT! I do have my suspicions on how this one cut a path straight to me though. Definitely an adventure, but it didn’t involve me stripping. (sorry guys). Anyway, you can read about it here. 

3. Club sex drunk group dark booth bench tumblr.  Yes, that is exactly what the search term says. Verbatim. So, here’s my logic. I’ve talked about being at a club with a group of drunk people here. And about sex, here, here and here. As for the “dark booth bench tumblr”…..that’s just a mystery.

4. Roller coaster view. This is the most searched term. Who knew so many people were fascinated by the view from a rollercoaster. Not me. Anyway, no question about this one. It’s because of this post, and the image associated with it. Doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure that one out 🙂

5. XXX Secret Moms. I have only 3 words in response to this one: WHAT THE HELL??  It sounds like the name of a bad porno revolving around a group of nymphos who all have children and don’t want anyone to know. Lord knows, with shows like ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ on tv now, this very well may be coming to a PPV channel near you soon. I, for one, will not be staying tuned. 

6. Littlest screamer porn AND porn kids video hop. TWO SEPARATE SEARCH PHRASES, PEOPLE!! Who looks for things like this? Seriously. They need to take their eyes elsewhere, because there is nothing for them here. Pretty sure the post that brought them here is this one though. Obviously because of the title….and it was part of a blog hop. I may very well change the title, after this debacle. Clearly, it was catchy. For all the wrong reasons. Ugh.

7. Bitch I watch CSI I can make your death look like accident.  I’m sure you do, and you can. Thanks. Now go away, because that’s my dream career, and I actually took a class in that shit. Read here.

8. Sometimes you have to flip out and go batshit crazy to prove a point. This one made me literally laugh out loud. Possibly because I think it’s sooooo true! Wouldn’t life be way more interesting if grown-ups threw kicking and screaming tantrums now and then when they need to express the importance of an issue? Just like 2 year olds. I, for one, would find it thoroughly entertaining to see a grown man fling himself onto the floor in one of the grocery aisles in protest to the absence of his favorite beer in the cooler. What else could you do, except laugh? Which would no doubt lighten the mood exponentially. Anyway, I searched the word “FLIP-OUT” myself, and here are the posts it brought up from the archives. #1… #2... #3… #4… #5… #6… #7…  Perfectly fitting there are 7. Lucky number 7 🙂

9. This smile brought to you by Xanax and wine. My personal favorite, hands down! I talk about these 3 things a lot, here and in real life, so it’s not a shocker this surfaced in the search terms. So grab some wine, read them all, and prepare to smile. If you hate the way I write, I’m sorry….have some Xanax. Regardless, if you came to this mecca of over-sharing and craziness by way of this search phrase, then all I can say is….WELCOME HOME, YOU SHOULD FIT RIGHT IN!

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Apparently, I have a built-in GPS. Chances are, so do you.

January 18, 2013 by 4 Comments

GPStracker:calibamamom

We just moved a month or so ago, and ordinarily I would blame The Man’s inability to locate objects on that. After all, lots of things are still in boxes. Granted, it’s all stuff that belongs to me, that he probably never even knew existed in the first place. Still, I’d like to give him the benefit of doubt. Then I began to think about it, and it dawned on me we’ve been together for 15 years…married for close to 14….and he’s always been challenged when it comes to locating items on his own. Your man too, huh? Go figure. 

Of course, it’s benign enough, when it only happens every once in awhile. “Honey, where’s the _______?” or “Dear, do you know where my _____ is?”  However, it breaches my threshold for irritation when it’s several times in a row, involving an item that doesn’t belong to me, I have never seen, or better yet, has never existed in our household.

At 5 am.

Before my eyes even have the chance to focus in the pre-dawn light, preceded by an all- too-familiar toned, term of endearment.

Yes, that has happened. More than once, I’m afraid.

Although I can only estimate based on my own experience, I’d be willing to bet there are a lot of guys out there just like The Man, constantly appearing in a state of bewilderment, searching for a clue.  At this point, I take pause and wonder “Do we, as women, create these co-dependent creatures?” The answer, most certainly is yes…but we didn’t do it alone. No. Obviously, somewhere in the history of the Universe,  the male species was informed that the uterus is a secret tracking device, able to pinpoint objects in the blink of an eye. Why else would they immediately consult us before first searching for what they need? It’s the only explanation. I mean, all women have one….unless you are medically forced, or independently elect, to have it surgically removed. I’ve even overheard The Man asking The Beans where things are, after he’s come up dry after asking me. True story.

So, there.

As I seek to further confirm this theory, I am reminded of a conversation I witnessed between one of my older sisters and her husband years ago. My brother-in-law walked into the room and said, “Do you know where the ________ is?”. My sister responded with, “No. Did you look for it?” He stammered, and said “Well…uh…no. I figured I would just ask you first.” With a slight smirk, and a twinkle in her eye, she said, “Now, why on Earth would you do that? I don’t have a built-in tracking device anymore. I had a hysterectomy years ago.” Way to go, sis. Sheer, smart-assed brilliance, I say! Because, to my knowledge, he hasn’t asked the location of an item since, without waging an exhaustive search on his own first.  Btw, she raised 2 boys, whom I am certain are independent thinkers as the result of her quick wit.

So ladies, if you happen to find yourself fed up, constantly being questioned on the whereabouts of lost things by your male counterpart (and you still have your uterus), I have come up with a solution. Just tell him your tracking device is temporarily out of service because you are on your period. At the very least, he’ll be so shocked he will fall silent and leave you alone for a bit 🙂

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a year-end wrap up…in 47 minutes or less (because that’s all that is left of 2012)

January 1, 2013 by 4 Comments

resolution2013

I’ll try to make this short and sweet, by simply making a list of the good and bad moments of 2012 up in my Calibama State of Mind. Mostly because lists are easy to follow, and I wasted time creating the ecard image, and now only have 17  no minutes left. Procrastination at it’s finest. Classic me. Some things never change, and I work better under pressure, so no judging….got it?

Let’s start with THE BAD, shall we?

1. We moved. Not much more needs to be said other than the process of it sucked the life right out of me for a good 3 weeks. Unless I win the lottery, I am not leaving this house. EVER. 

2. The Man was between film projects for much of the year, and home a lot, which drove me bat-shit crazy. He needs hobbies that do not involve chasing me around trying to undress me while I have 8000+ things to do. Hoping that developing a few is on the top of HIS resolution list.

3. The Beans had to quit gymnastics. You can read about that here. I’m still heart-broken and don’t like to talk about it. Hopeful that training resumes in 2013.

4. Lester, our beloved 13 year old, Chihuaua had to be put down 🙁 That story is here.

5.  The Beans got head-lice. Twice. Pissed doesn’t even begin to describe my mood on those occasions. Yes, I blogged about it…here. 

This is the shit I’m running from, once I get my new sneakers. Tomorrow.

But onto…

THE GOOD. Which I will be expanding on, in MAGNANIMOUS PROPORTIONS.

1. ON JANUARY 9, 2012…MY 40TH BIRTHDAY…THE ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE WON THE BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. Best. Present. Ever. ROLL TIDE ROLL….and onto the National Championship game we go once again this year!!! 

2. I started this blog, along with a FB fan page and a Twitter feed dedicated to it. It speaks for itself, I believe. And I plan on paying A LOT more attention to it.

3. I got a real writing gig, that actually pays a little. I need to maintain a bit of anonymity where this is concerned, but trust me….IT’S AWESOME. And literally fell in my lap at a much needed time. As the saying goes, “When life shuts a door, God opens a window somewhere” 🙂 

4. We moved.  Even with the colossal headache the execution of it was, it’s a good thing too. We down-sized, into a cozy place that is more affordable and closer to The Beans’ schools. Less to clean for me, smaller monthly nut….win-win, right?

5. One of my besties had a baby boy, and I am his Godmother. So now I have a son in addition to The Beans 🙂 Oh, what fun we are going to have!!!

6. I made some really great new friends, in the blogging world, and in real-life. Also reconnected with some old friends. You know who you are 🙂

7. My whole family filmed a book trailer for a zombie novel titled “100 Days of Death”. The novel will be out this year, and you can watch the trailer here. We had a BLAST!!

8. I was invited to be a contributor for MomsLA, a phenomenal group of bloggers. I’m still shaking my head at this one. Honored does not even scratch the surface of how this made me feel.

9. My niece, Meaghan, got married, and I got to attend the wedding in Alabama and serve as a bridesmaid. Hadn’t been home to Bama in over 2 years, so this was PRICELESS.

10. I was gifted a ‘We Can Do Hard Things Sign’ by Momastery and Barn Owl Primitives, on the eve of the 17th anniversary of my mama’s passing. The women responsible for this will NEVER know how much it meant.

So, clearly, the good outweighed the bad, at least on this list. There are, of course, several catastrophic things that happened that must remain unwritten. But those have either been kicked to the curb already, or are well on their way to being eradicated.

2013 is going to be divinely kick-ass. HUGE things are on the horizon for me, The Man and The Beans. There simply is no other option.

Who’s with me?

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Filed Under: family, funnies, just me, motherhood, random thoughts, rants and raves, tributes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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